


First steps

by morporkian_hobbit



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gay Disasters, M/M, Mostly Fluff but some Angst too, Trans Character, how to function like a normal human when you're just a ball of repressed trauma, severin's beautiful hair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-06-30 06:25:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19847422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morporkian_hobbit/pseuds/morporkian_hobbit
Summary: Richard Brook’s life is boring, monotone and solitary. And it suited him, until a newcomer moved to his town and shook up his habits and his barriers… for the better. [spin-off of Doubt truth to be a liar]





	1. First day

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the story of two gay disasters. This fanfic concentrates on the evolution of the relationship between Richard Brook and Severin Moran, in a few (more or less) independent episodes, happening in the same universe as Doubt truth to be a liar. I hope you’ll enjoy it.
> 
> Before we start, there are a few people I’d like to thank.  
> -The Great Anso, for her enthusiasm about the idea of this fanfic, which greatly motivated me to actually write it, and for her adorable drawings of Richard and Severin.  
> -My friends Jean, L. and Vee for their advice on how to write a realistic trans man when you’re a cis woman.  
> -My dear Jean, for their help on many plot points, their undying support, and for sharing a few personal anecdotes about theatre.  
> -Finrod, for suggesting in the first place the idea that Sev was trans, and for her support throughout the whole project.  
> -Max, for her passionate and vibrant testimony of her love of theatre.  
> -@ spilling-the-moriartea for correcting all my mistakes in the English version and giving me their very enthusiastic opinion.  
> But also Hippano, who is the reason I’m neck deep in the MorMor and SeveRich fandom; the fandom community itself for their friendliness, their support and their incredible creativity; Kim Newman for the many ideas I’ve stolen borrowed from his novel (you know the one); and my April Camp NaNo cabin mates for their help and support (without them I would likely have taken a whole ass year instead of a month to write this).
> 
> Enough small talk, enjoy the fic!

Severin Moran hated the countryside. All his life he had lived in cities, first in London with his brother, then in Cardiff for his studies as a railway technician, and in Brighton for his first job. He didn’t like the countryside; calm and silence could be relaxing, but in the long run they were mostly boring, and had a knack for driving him mad. He vastly preferred the hectic and fast life of large cities. Had he been given a choice, Severin would have stayed in Brighton, where there was everything he needed: a stable and interesting job, a vibrant cultural life, and most importantly, people. But here it was; he had no choice, the Brighton station was downsizing, and he had been transferred to Fal Vale, a small village lost deep in Cornwall, just big enough to have its own station. The sentence had been somewhat softened by a promotion: Severin was now a chief technician rather than a simple worker. To be fair, this wasn’t really to his liking either. The young man was a leader, and normally had no problem managing a team, but he had no delusions about the welcome that employees would give when they were placed under the direction of a newbie. But Severin was determined not to give up. Was he going to be in an uncomfortable and complicated situation? That didn’t matter. He would do his best to be accepted and appreciated by his new colleagues, and to make a place for himself in this town that was now his home.

On this happy note, the young man took a deep breath, put back in place the few rebellious streaks of hair that were escaping from his bun and left the bus stop to head towards the station building where he would spend most of his days from then on.

When he entered, four men were already present in the common room. Three of them were talking, sitting at a table, while the last one was reading in a corner, near a temporary platform. Severin waved a general greeting to the whole room before heading to the lockers in the hallway at the other end. For a moment he wondered why everyone was sitting there rather than preparing for their work, before remembering that they were waiting for the start-of-year briefing. The high season resumed today, after the reduced traffic during the summer holidays, and the station manager was going to welcome the whole team to wish them a happy new year. They were also going to introduce the newcomers, and Severin was relieved not to be the only new recruit this year. He felt a little like he was back in school, when he would arrive in a new class where he didn't know anyone, and the teacher would call the new students to the board. He had always felt a little sorry for the poor kids who were shivering under the inquisitive gaze of their new classmates. He quickly placed his belongings in an open locker - most of them already had names and were locked - and returned to the common room. A young woman had joined the small group, and Severin greeted her with a wave of his hand. She answered with a smile before looking down at her phone. Severin shrugged his shoulders; apparently people in the countryside were not much more sociable than in the city. The young man decided that he could very well mingle with the crowd later, when he knew who his colleagues were, and resolved to sitting on a chair with his phone. The room gradually continued to fill up as he read the online newspaper, and the low noise of conversations slowly intensified. About thirty people were present when silence fell, making him raise his head.

A woman in her forties wearing a uniform and a cap entered the room and stepped onto the small platform.

“Hello everyone!” she shouted in a loud voice while clapping her hands.

The last conversations quickly faded down and gave way to an attentive silence.

“Welcome all! I hope you had a good holiday, and that you are in good shape to get back to work. All right. Most of you know me, but for the new ones, I'm May Jenkins, the station master of Fal Vale. I coordinate everyone's work. Officially I'm not the boss, but technically it's the same. If you need help, you come to me. If any of you do anything stupid, it's up to me to handle it. You know the drill.”

She took a circular look at the crowd, who nodded their heads in unison.

“As you know, Cooper and Heston retired last year. So, we have new recruits this year, I count on you to give them a warm welcome. Pittman, Boffin, Flint, I'm talking about you. And we also have a new chief technician. Mr. Moran?”

Jenkins waved a hand towards Severin, inviting him to join her on the stage. The young man frowned. He hadn’t been told that he would have to introduce himself to all staff, but it didn't matter. He composed a friendly face and walked determinedly towards where May Jenkins was standing. He stepped onto the stage and turned around to face the small audience that was watching him.

“Good morning, everyone! My name is Severin. As the boss said, I'm the new chief technician. So, I will work mainly with the technicians, but maybe also with the rest of you on some occasions. I look forward to that, and I look forward to being part of the team.”

Severin stepped off the stage under polite applause, while May recalled the day's priorities. Most of the staff knew what they had to do anyway and the room emptied quickly. Severin followed his teammates to the technical room. He had been given a special briefing a week earlier with Heston, the previous chief technician. All he had to do now was to get to know his team and then get to work.

oOoOoOo

It had been a long morning for Richard Brook. One could always count on the railway network to be anything but organised. Despite May Jenkins' good will, there was already an absent driver, and the schedules of the other trains had to be modified to accommodate the traffic as well as possible. With the stress of the unexpected, last-minute schedule adjustments and passengers’ dissatisfaction, the first day of work was going to be tiring, and he wasn't upset to finally reach lunch time. He only had forty-five minutes before his next train, but that would at least allow him to take a breath.

The common room was only occupied by a group of technicians. Richard would have liked to have lunch with his colleagues, but the train drivers all had different schedules, and none of them were there right now. He therefore decided to sit alone, unwilling to mingle with a group already formed, and took out the meal box he had prepared.

“Hey. Are you eating alone?”

Richard looked up. The person who had called him was waiting in front of the microwave, looking at him with an interrogating expression. He was tall, towering over Richard by at least one head (and even more so since the he was sitting down), and his long blond, nearly chestnut-brown hair was raised into a loose bun, letting out some unruly streaks that framed his tanned face. A fine scar barred his right eyebrow, and his sky-blue eyes stared at him with surprising intensity. The young man recognized the new chief technician who had introduced himself that very morning. He was probably with the group at the other end of the room. Why was he talking to him?

“My colleagues are working,” Richard replied with a contrite smile.

“Do you want to join us? My name is Severin, by the way.”

“Richard. Thank you, I'll be fine, I'm used to eating on my own.”

“We don't bite, you know.”

Severin smiled at him, and Richard lowered his head, embarrassed. He would have liked to get to know the young man, but he had no desire to join the noisy group of technicians.

“Maybe some other time,” Richard eventually answered.

Severin nodded, before retrieving his dish from the microwave that had started ringing.

“As you wish. Enjoy your meal, Rich!”

Richard watched him walk away. “ _Some other time_ ”? What the hell had he been thinking? Okay, Severin was pretty cute, but that wasn't a reason to get involved with people he almost never spent time with.. Technically, all the station staff knew each other, but the groups were formed and welded, and Richard knew his place.

“ _Oh, come on_ ,” said a little voice deep inside him. “ _He's not cute. He's fucking gorgeous_.”

Richard blushed and turned his attention back to his lasagna.

oOoOoOo

Severin had now been working at Fal Vale for a week, and he had to admit that the place was not as depressing as he had imagined. There was a friendly ambiance in the team, making the hard work of a technician more acceptable. The rest of the station staff were friendly, but the different groups tended not to mix up: the technicians stayed together, the office workers gossiped in their corners, and the drivers all had different schedules. They all had a good work relationship nonetheless. The end of the first week had resulted in a well-drunk evening, in which Severin ended up a little more intoxicated than he had initially anticipated. Fortunately, he had had Sunday off to rest, and was perfectly ready for his second week of work. Or at least he gave the illusion of it perfectly.

As he entered the cafeteria for lunch, he could not help but notice a small figure sitting alone at a table. He could only make out his slightly tousled black hair and the soft features of his face, darkened by a three-day beard, but that was enough for him to recognize Richard Brook. Severin frowned. He had spoken to the young man several times, and had discovered a sweet and friendly person... who paradoxically never hung out with others and spent almost all his free time alone in his corner. Severin took a look at the table usually occupied by his fellow technicians: deserted. They must have eaten earlier while he was held back by office work. After a moment's hesitation, Severin headed towards Brook's table.

The latter lifted his head up from his tray when he saw the blond coming towards him.

“Hey! Do you mind if I sit down?”

Richard raised his eyebrows, surprised. Usually, no one ever joined him in the cafeteria.

“No, of course not,” he replied nevertheless. “Go ahead.”

Severin, smiling, put his tray on the table and sat down in front of the young man.

“Do you often eat alone? I rarely see you with your colleagues.”

“Timetable problems,” Richard replied simply. “We often find ourselves with different schedules, so I only eat with them a few times a week.”

“Why don't you come join another group? There are always people here.”

Richard looked down.

“Big groups are not really my thing.”

“Ah, I understand. I didn't see you at the party the other night, I guess you...”

“I preferred to stay at home.”

Severin smiles.

“Good call. Lots of drunk people and music too loud, it can get pretty old after a while. Although... you missed May Jenkins singing the Irish national anthem. It was quite the spectacle.”

The mental image made Richard snicker.

“Oh, I've seen her before. Or rather heard. She always gets the wrong pronunciation, she has a terrible accent.”

“You’re Irish?”

Richard raised an eyebrow.

“How did you guess?”

“You have a slight accent. It took me a while to place it, but... Ireland seemed the most likely.”

The young man scowled a bit.

“I thought I had gotten rid of it...”

“It's very light,” Severin reassured him. “I think it's pretty. You sound like you're singing.”

“I…”

Richard stopped, and looked up at the blond man with a smile on his face.

“Thank you.”

“Mmh? Why?”

“Usually, it only attracts mockery.”

Severin frowned and put down his cutlery.

“From your colleagues? What a bunch of idiots.”

The train driver shook his head vigorously.

“No, no. It’s been a while, it was mostly at school. I... Why am I telling you about this? It's all in the past. I don't have an accent anymore, and people have stopped bother me.”

Severin nodded.

“Thank God the kids grow up. I had a lisp when I was a kid. Got me a lot of mockery too. I had to make them understand myself that they were picking on the wrong person.”

“Violence has never worked for me,” Richard replied. “Have you seen me? I look like a twig.”

“Oh, I'm sure with a little practice you could do a lot of damage! But you're right, violence doesn't work for long anyway. One day or another you have to use your brain.”

“I'm glad you realized that,” Richard smiled.

The cafeteria was beginning to empty as the two men discussed Severin's first impressions of Fal Vale, the work at the station, and the theatre group with which Richard spent some of his free time. It was only when the room was completely empty that Richard got up, pointing to his watch.

“I really have to go. Next train in ten minutes,” he said, imitating the voice of the station's automatic announcements.

Severin laughed.

“I'm gonna have to go back to work too. What a pain.”

Richard started to walk away, only to stop and turn back to the blond.

“Hey, thanks for coming to join me, it was nice. If you ever need someone to help you familiarize yourself with the surroundings... don't hesitate to ask me.”

“No problem, I will!” the technician replied with a big smile. “See you next time.”

He sat there, his gaze lost in nothingness, as Richard walked away. He sincerely hoped that this next time would be soon.


	2. A secret for a secret

The more time passed, the more attached Richard was growing to Severin Moran. A surprising observation, as Richard was not the sociable type, whereas Severin was the epitome of the popular, friendly guy with whom everyone was friends. Richard was shy and reserved, Severin was outgoing and friendly. Richard was anxious, Severin confident. Richard liked calm and silence, Severin liked crowds and conversations. And when he thought about it, the young driver realized that this reaction was rather logical: after all, they say that opposites attract and complement each other. He was just trying to ignore the fact that this was only the case with Severin, and not with the rest of his group of friends. They were friendly and pleasant to be around, but Richard could easily do without their company. Severin, on the other hand... Richard greatly appreciated the time spent in the young man's company, and was searching for this contact more and more often. Although usually taciturn and solitary, he now preferred to spend time with other people. Hum. Surprising. Well, only one other person, so not so surprising. What Severin brought to Richard was a sense of security, warmth, the feeling that he was interesting, that he deserved his attention. He really seemed to be interested in him and wanted to listen to what he had to say - his friends were listening to him too, but in a different, more external way. Severin was really interested in his life, in his worries. A sincere friend, for once.

At this point in his thought process, Richard usually shook his head to get his thoughts straight, and refrain from thinking these four dangerous words: "more than a friend". Because if he let his thoughts run free, they invariably led to a single conclusion: Richard had a crush on Severin. And he couldn't allow himself that. It was a danger, a crack that could turn into a chasm in his armour and his neatly adjusted protections. Everyone at Fal Vale station knew him, at least from afar: Richard Brook, the serious but taciturn, calm and shy train driver, the slightly anxious boy who never made any waves. Everyone knew that he loved the theatre, talking at length with his few close friends, and 80s music. Everyone knew that he lived on his own, and that he often ate lunch alone in a corner of the cafeteria. And yet no one knew anything about him, not really. No one knew why he was living in Fal Vale, no one knew why he never talked about his family, no one knew why he didn't have a girlfriend. And no one was wondering about it. No one... except Severin. And the problem was that Richard really, really wanted to answer him. But he couldn't afford to let people know him, really know him. Because being a closeted gay man, whose twin brother is an international criminal, and with anxiety going through the roof, was not the easiest situation to live. That's why Richard locked himself up inside his routine, his armour and his secrets, and severely controlled the few people who approached him.

Until Severin came and screwed it all up.

It wasn't the first time Richard had a crush on someone; he was almost thirty years old, had already dated boys, had already been in love... in theory, no problem on that side. And yet, there was always this anxiety, this fear of the others’ judgement that twisted his guts, this horrible uncertainty: how would his colleagues react? Would they make fun of him? Would they be afraid of him? Would he be ostracized, again? And above all, what would Severin think? Because that's where the problem really was. A friendship destroyed by a few words and centuries of stereotypes and clichés. It wasn’t for nothing that Richard hid behind the doors of the metaphorical closet, well away from disapproving looks, words that hurt the heart and blows that bruised the flesh. Richard had already had the misfortune to fall in love with the wrong person, and although he had since grown up, that kind of experience left scars.

That's why Richard had resolved to taking the same precautions that had always dominated his whole life: wait, patiently, discreetly, see how things were going, pray that his feelings would disappear, while remaining ready to run away if things went south. Richard hated running away, but unfortunately it was a necessity far too often. And when Severin was there, Richard would bury his emotions in the bottom of a well-sealed bottle, which he would hide where no one could find it. A poor attempt at disguise: the young man carried his heart on his sleeve, and he could only hide the most visible and dangerous ones, leaving others in plain sight. And especially in Severin’s, who seemed to have taken pity on the young man and his loneliness, and decided to take care of him personally.

And that's how Richard Brook, reserved by nature and misanthropic by necessity, found himself almost overnight in the midst of a group of disparate but close-knit friends, gathered around Severin Moran, official as well as unofficial leader of this weird little team. And all in all, when he thought about it, it wasn't so bad to spend time with others. Especially when "others" included the tall blond.

Severin was currently telling Lorna and Jake, two of his colleagues, some couple anecdotes. The four of them were sitting at a small table at the pub The Cock and the Bull, the usual den of the group of friends, who had enthusiastically introduced Richard to the place. After a gruelling day of work, the young man gratefully had accepted this moment of rest and followed them. They had all settled down in front of a beer, then Jake had mentioned his recent breakup with his girlfriend, and the discussion had naturally drifted towards everyone’s respective exes. Richard kept quiet, having only few stories to tell and no desire to share them, but he listened with curiosity to the tall blond man's anecdotes: in the "crazy exes" category, Severin won all the medals.

“This was my ex from two years ago,” he explained while sipping his beer. “I had broken up because I was uncomfortable with our relationship, my ex was far too possessive and suffocating. Anyway, a week after the break-up, I am on holiday with my brother in Scotland, we’re on our way to our hotel, and guess who I see standing there, on the sidewalk, right in front of the hotel doors?”

“Your ex?” Lorna suggested.

“Bingo. I thought it was a coincidence, that we were both on vacation in the same place... And this jerk comes up to me, kneels to the ground, and takes out a ring. A goddamn ring!”

“Wait, your ex came all the way to Scotland to propose to you after your breakup?”

“Yes, because obviously, I was still in love, and a proposal would clearly bring me back to my senses. A proposal in public, on the street, with everyone watching... you know, peer pressure and all that. Fun stuff. So, I kindly explained where that ring could go, and my brother made clear that at the slightest attempt at stalking, he would personally take care of shoving it where it belonged.”

“Wow, I like your brother,” Lorna exclaimed.

“That girl was completely crazy,” Jake commented before bringing his mug to his lips.

Severin smiled, amused.

“Oh, it wasn't a girl, it was a guy. Boys can be pretty scary too sometimes.”

An embarrassed cough rose, accompanied by a small "You don’t say" from Lorna. Richard, for his part, almost choked on his beer.

“You’re _gay_? I thought you'd dated girls before!”

...Oh, shit. The young man had to refrain from slapping one hand over his mouth. Why, oh why had he said something so stupid? The surprise of learning that Severin had had a boyfriend had made him lose his cool, and now everyone would think he was homophobic. Well done Richard, really.

To no one’s surprised, Severin narrowed his eyes and turned toward his friend.

“No, I'm bisexual. Is that a problem for you, Richard?”

Second choking crisis narrowly avoided.

“I... no! Not at all! You...”

Richard took a deep breath, trying to slow the beating of his heart, which was racing, then panicked, and set down his half empty mug of beer.

“I'm sorry,” he mumbled with a contrite look, before turning around and leaving the pub almost on the run.

Severin watched him leave, with a surprised look on his face. Of all those present, Richard was the last one from he would have expected derogatory comments from. He turned to Lorna, his eyebrows frowned.

“I didn't know Richard was against gay people.”

Lorna raised her eyebrows.

“Honestly, I didn't know either. You know him, he doesn't talk much, and it's not a subject we often discuss here...”

“We’re in Cornwall, in the middle of the countryside,” Jake added. “People are more narrow-minded than in London.”

“That said, some people suspect that Richard is gay,” says Lorna. “Internalized homophobia is a thing. I mean, he's never dated anyone since he's been here.”

Severin continued to stare at the door behind which Richard had disappeared, looking thoughtful.

“Are you okay?” Jake asked.

The young man shook his head to get his thoughts straight.

“Yeah, yeah. I'm just... surprised. And a little disappointed. “

“Oh, why? Do you like Richie?” Lorna laughed, poking a finger at his ribs.

Severin smiled.

“Maybe.”

oOoOoOo

A day had passed since Richard's sudden exit, and Severin hadn't seen him since. This was not surprising in itself, the two friends couldn’t meet every day because of the driver's bizarre schedules, but the tall blond could not help but think he was avoiding him. Richard's reaction was destabilizing, even for someone shy and anxious like him. He had made a mistake, that happened to everyone, but Severin had never seen anyone panic so much for such an insignificant remark. This was not the first time the blond had received homophobic comments, and if they had hurt him at first, he had eventually gotten used to them and ignored them completely. Well, almost completely: he couldn't help but feel hurt when they came from people close to him. Severin smiled at this thought. Richard should not count as a close friend; they had only known each other for a month. And yet this short period of time had been enough for him to get attached to this gentle and friendly man, who reminded him far too much of a little boy camouflaged in the adult world, trying to make his place without attracting attention. Severin could not help noticing that Richard seemed to be much more open to him - not drastically, he was still introverted and not very sociable, but he was more willing than before to discuss personal matters, his tastes, his activities. Severin sometimes wondered if, of all the people working around them, he was the one who knew Richard best. It was hard to say, but he hoped that their friendship would not be ruined by a silly remark and the young man's anxiety.

Severin was leaving the station and getting ready to go back home when a voice calling his name drew him from his thoughts. He turned around, surprised.

“Richard?”

The young man was running towards him, his hair in the wind, trying to put on his coat on the way. He slowed down as he approached his friend and stopped under his surprised eyes.

“Are you all right?” the blond man asked, noticing the youngest’s short breath.

“Yes, yes... I was worried you'd already left. Jake told me you were going out. I...”

He looked down for a moment, before looking at Severin, a contrite air on his face.

“I'm really sorry about yesterday,” he says. “I don't know why I did that. I must have looked like an asshole, didn't I?”

“It's all right, don't worry,” Severin replied, waving his hand. “You couldn't have known.”

“What were you bi? No, but I could have at least not reacted like I did. I'm really sorry, Sev. Look, I...”

He stopped, his heart racing, and took a deep breath.

“To make it up to you, would you like to... come to the bar with me? I'm paying.”

Richard seemed extremely uncomfortable, as if he was holding every word at arm's length for fear of them exploding. Severin took pity on him and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Don't worry, you don't need to apologize. I didn't take it the wrong way, I was just surprised.”

To his surprise, Richard shook his head.

“No, really. I'd be happy to invite you. And, well... I do owe you a beer.”

Severin laughed, and put one hand on his friend's shoulder, giving him an amused smile.

“All right, if you insist. But you know,” he added as they started walking again, “if you wanted a date, you could just asked.”

He retained a new burst of laughter when he saw Richard turn bright red.

“I... No, you... I... It's not that at all! I just want to apologize, and... spend time with you.”

He stopped for a second. He did not want Severin to get any ideas about his intentions, and in his haste, he was sinking even deeper.

“Oh my God, this really sounds like a date, doesn't it?”

This time, Severin could not hold back a clear burst of laughter, soon imitated by Richard.

“Don't worry, I was just pulling your leg,” he assured him.

They walked a few minutes in embarrassed silence until they reached the pub, where Severin greeted the bartender as an old friend. He ordered two beers before guiding Richard to an empty table, where they sat face to face. In the dim light of the bar, Severin's hair looked more hazel than blond, and his face was plunged into shadows, making the bright blue of his eyes all the more evident. Richard was trying to admire him - no, to observe him, he corrected himself, without staring at him too much, a difficult task if ever there was one. He frowned as he noticed the thin scar that barred his eyebrow. How did he get it?

“There aren’t many gay people in the area, I suppose?” Severin asked as the bartender was putting their drinks on the table.

Richard froze, suddenly taken out of his reflections. He didn't think his friend would bring that up... but when he thought about it, he should have expected it. He leaned against his chair and looked down at his beer.

“Not to my knowledge,” he replied. “Or they don't talk about it.”

“Mmh, I thought it was just a stereotype about the countryside...” mumbled Severin.

“Do you think that's going to be a problem? That you're out, I mean.”

Severin smiled.

“It's possible, but I'm used to it. Big cities are not always an example of open-mindedness, it would not be the first time I have received unpleasant comments. I'm used to ignoring them.”

“If only it were just comments...” Richard sighed.

Severin raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

Richard frowned.

“There are too many stories about people getting beaten up, or even... killed. It scares me.”

His friend gave him a reassuring smile.

“Don't worry, I know how to defend myself.”

Richard nodded, then took a sip of beer to put up a front.

“How did you realize it?”

Severin laughed.

“It took me a while, as a matter of fact. I always looked at my classmates with envy, but since I was also attracted to the opposite sex, I couldn't be gay, could I? So I spent my teenage years dating... girls, while looking enviously at guys. I convinced myself that it was only admiration. Until my older brother let our family know that he was bi. From that moment on, I started to seriously question myself, but my father took it very badly that my brother was not strictly hetero, and that more or less kicked me back into the closet. I was terrified of not being normal. I only accepted it when I left home to study. And quite frankly, I'm much better off.”

“Two queers in the family? It must have knocked him for six.”

“Ooh, he was furious! Convinced that it was a choice we had made and that we were disrespectful to him by behaving like depraved perverts. Anyway, he's kicked the bucket since, I can live my life without worrying about his bigoted opinions.”

“I'm sorry,” Richard murmured, looking down.

“That he's dead? I’m not. He was a jerk.”

Severin took a sip of his mug and smiled at Richard. Family was always a cautious subject for him: between his father who had tried to control his life and format it through violence, his mother who had always acted as an wallflower rather than a parent, and his older brother who had been expelled from the army, his family life was not the most photogenic. But he could easily simplify his parents into "abusive father and absent mother". As for his brother Sebastian, he had not given him enough information about his real job for Severin to make any real mistake. Of course, the young man knew that his brother had long since left the path of legality. But as far as Severin was concerned, he wasn’t doing anything very different from what he used to do in the army, and at least he was really making a living, and was not threatening anyone who wasn’t already involved in crime. Sebastian was not lying to his brother, but kept the details in the shadows, so as not to involve Severin. And Severin did the same for the others.

“But enough about me,” he declared. “What about you, your family?”

Richard froze. Between the beer, the warm atmosphere of the bar, and Severin's soft and soothing voice, he had let himself get carried away in the discussion, and had not seen the danger approaching. This was the first time his friend had discussed this subject with him, and he was caught off guard. What could he tell him? That both his parents died under suspicious circumstances when he was a teenager? No way. That he had a twin brother who was a crime lord? Even less so. That he had cut almost all ties with his brother, for fear of the constant danger in which he lived? Severin would run away.

“I don't have much contact with them,” Richard finally answered. “We don't get along very well, I only see them at the few family gatherings.”

That was a euphemism, but not technically a lie. One couldn’t really have any contact with deceased parents, and he only saw his brother Jim on the rare occasions when he was summoned to London. Jim was a shadow that hovered over his life, constantly watching him, sometimes asking him for favours that Richard did not have the courage to refuse, despite his disgust at the idea of participating in criminal activities. He would have had too much to lose by saying no.

Severin's face had darkened, reflecting Richard's own, who had trouble keeping a smile on his face when his family was mentioned.

“Is there a reason for that?” asked the blond asked.

“Some... dissensions. It's complicated.”

He took a new sip of beer to put up a front.

“Is that why you came to bury yourself in the middle of nowhere in Cornwall?

Richard smiled bitterly. Severin was too perceptive, and if he continued along this path it would be difficult to chat without lying. Richard hated lying, preferring omission over outright lies, but he could not avoid it when people started talking about family matters. In this situation, it was best to use a deflection subject. And it would be a good opportunity to finally be honest with Severin.

“Indeed. I mean, at least they're not the ones who'll bother me because I'm gay.”

This time, it was Severin's turn to almost choke on his beer. He looked up at Richard, his eyebrows raised.

“You are...”

Richard hid his amused smile in his mug.

“Yeah. That makes two queers in Fal Vale now.”

“That's why you...”

“Why I reacted like an idiot yesterday? Yes,” the young man admitted with a contrite smile. “I was caught off guard.”

Severin gave him a teasing smile.

“Why? Never met a bisexual before?”

Richard blushed slightly, and shrugged his shoulders.

“Never met many people, actually,” he replied. “When you're in the closet, there's limited interaction with other queers.”

“You should get out, then,” Severin suggested.

Richard looked up at his friend and frowned. The young man was staring at him with a sweet look on his face and a slight smile.

“Pardon me?”

“Believe me, the world is not as bad as you might think. And as far as I know, Jake and Lorna don't care, nor do the rest of the group.”

Richard looked away, his hands clasped around his mug. Severin seemed so sure of himself, so happy... And so blind to the reality of things.

“I've already been out of the closet before,” he admitted. “And it went very badly. I admire your self-confidence and the fact that you’re at ease with yourself, but... I prefer to live in secrecy and be safe, and not have to worry about others’ judgement.”

Severin hesitated for a moment, and laid his hand on Richard's. The latter shuddered at his contact, but held back from removing his hand.

“It's your decision,” said the blond man. “I won't talk about to anyone, I promise.”

Richard gave him a reassured smile.

“Thank you.”

Severin smiled back.

“Thank you too.”

“For what?” Richard asked, confused.

“For telling me. I know it can be hard to talk to others about it, it takes courage. I'm glad you trust me.”

He looked away for a moment, seemingly hesitant, before looking up at Richard.

“Let’s make a deal,” he announced. “A secret for a secret.”

“Okay.”

“You promise me you won't panic and run away?”

Richard laughed.

“I'll do my best.”

The blond smiles at him nervously. He seemed to be searching his words for a moment, then finally announced:

“I'm trans.”

Severin stared at Richard, watching his reaction with apprehension. He didn't know how his friend was going to take it, he should have put out feelers first. But he hoped that the young man, being himself more sensitive to these issues than the heterosexual average, would not react negatively.

It took Richard a few seconds to integrate the information, after which he raised his eyebrows and asked:

“So, would you rather I call you Severine?”

Richard opened his eyes wide when his friend suddenly burst out laughing, making a few patrons of the pub turn around. The small Irishman drove back into his seat, extremely embarrassed and wondering if he had screwed up again, while the blond one wiped away a few tears.

“No, it's the other way around,” he finally explained once he had controlled his hilarity. “I was assigned female at birth, but I’m a man.”

“I'm really sorry,” Richard muttered as he turned bright red. “I didn't mean to...”

“Don't worry,” his friend replied, with a big smile on his face. “Honestly, you had a good reaction. I just should have been clearer.”

“It's still a secret, I suppose?”

Severin nodded.

“It's my personal history and it's none of my colleagues' business.”

“I won’t tell them, you can count on me.”

There was a moment's silence, before he asked:

“If it's none of their business... then why me?”

Severin put his chin on his hands and thought for a moment before answering.

“Because... my personal story may concern some people. It's not work-related, and I know that some of my colleagues would consider me less than a man. But for me, a friendship must be based on trust and honesty. You trusted me with something important to you, it's only fair to make it mutual.”

Richard's redness increased. He had not expected Severin to take this so seriously, but it was surprisingly reassuring to see the value the young man gave to this confidence. They both shared a secret, and Richard felt deep inside that he could have complete trust in Severin. And he would do everything possible to be the one Severin imagined, someone honest and trustworthy. As long as his friend wasn't looking to discover the few family skeletons Richard kept hidden in his closet, he could afford to be honest about everything else. He sincerely hoped that Severin would never have to meddle in his family business - more for the blond's safety than his own. He didn't want to have to lie to him.

“Are you alright?” Severin asked, pulling his friend out of his thoughts.

“Yes, don't worry,” he smiled. “And thank you. It really means a lot to me to know that I'm your friend.”

“It's mutual.”

“It's getting late,” Richard announced as he got up, “I should go home.”

“I can walk you home, if you want,” suggested the blond one while getting up as well. “Do you live far away?”

“Fifteen minutes on foot. I don't want to bother you...”

“It will be a good occasion to get some exercise,” he joked.

He didn't dare to say that he wanted to spend more time with Richard, for fear of making him uncomfortable. He had noticed that the young man was very reserved, and the last thing he wanted to do was to scare him. He simply observed him with a slight smile on his face as he paid for their drinks with the bartender. Severin could see in Richard what the small Irishman did not see himself: a mature, deep, interesting, and definitely attractive young man. He prayed that one day he would realize his own worth, despite the obvious lack of self-confidence that seemed to torment him. He had not explicitly said it, but Severin guessed that he had gone through hardships that had left some mark - whether with his family, at school when he was younger or in a previous job, it was not clear, but he did not intend to insist. Not today, anyway. Richard had his reasons for keeping his past to himself, and Severin preferred to wait until the young man found the strength in him to open up, if he ever did. It wasn't his place to force him.

The journey to Richard's house was in a lighter ambiance than the conversation in the pub, and both were clearly disappointed to have to cut the evening short. Severin could not help but make an appreciative whistle when he recognized Richard's residence: the district was considered posh, or at least what passed for posh in a small countryside town.

“I didn't know you lived here! You can afford this with your railroad salary?”

Richard looked down, slightly nervous.

“Actually, my... my family is helping me.”

“You're not on such bad terms then,” laughed Severin.

His friend frowned.

“Honestly, I'd rather they leave me alone and let me live my life.”

Severin hesitated for a moment to continue the conversation, but Richard didn't seem to want to pursue the subject further. The blond finally pulled out his phone with a smile.

“Can I ask you for your number? In a totally platonic way, of course. It'll be easier than chasing each other down in the station corridors.”

Richard could not help but blush at the mention of "platonic", but he smiled as he took the phone his friend was handing him.

“Send me a message, so I can get yours," he said, typing his number.

He gave the phone back to Severin and they separated, still smiling, Richard disappearing behind the door of the building. The blond turned his heels to head back home, without ceasing to grin. He was relieved to have resolved the misunderstanding that had been bothering him all day, and especially to have passed a key milestone in their relationship. Of all the people he met on a daily basis, Richard was the one he appreciated the most, and the feeling seemed to be reciprocated. The young man's trust in him was a rare thing, which he would keep dearly.


	3. Break a leg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to Max for explaining why she loves theatre, that helped me a lot; and to Jean for sharing a few anecdotes. Dear Jean, I’ve promised you since YOLT to include you in a fic, it is now done!

A few weeks had passed since the incident, and Richard went out regularly with his colleagues and Severin - he was still reserved, sure, but Severin appreciated his presence, and he knew that Richard enjoyed spending time with others. He had told them about his passion for the theatre, and had even given them a demonstration of a scene he was working on. The whole group had congratulated him, making him blush a little. Severin regretted that they hadn’t had the opportunity to talk about it since; until one morning, Richard came to see him before his work started, brandishing a piece of paper in front of him.

“Are you free tomorrow night?” he asked, with a wide smile on his face.

Severin nodded, curious about his friend's enthusiasm.

“I have no particular plans, why?”

“My theatre group, the _Abbey Theatre_ , is doing the opening night of a play we've been working on for the past month. It's called _Six Characters in Search of an Author_. Would you like to come?”

Severin took the paper his friend was handing him - a ticket to the play. He looked up at the small Irishman who was looking at him hopefully, and smiled back at him.

“I'll be there!”

“Awesome!”

Richard's excitement was clearly visible, and he looked more like a kid on his birthday than a thirty-year-old train driver. The blond watched him walk away, noticing that his heartbeat was accelerating. He finally shook his head and put the ticket in his locker. There's no way he was misplacing it.

The next evening, Severin was early at the theatre - he hadn't been to this kind of performance for a long time and couldn't remember if he had to arrive early to choose his seat. The theatre was located in the nearby town of Carland Cross, and Severin had to come by bus. A few people were already sitting in the room, reading or talking while waiting for the curtain to open. The blond sat in a chair in the front rows and pulled out of his pocket the brochure he had taken at the entrance of the theatre.

_"Six Characters in Search of an Author", written in 1921, is the most famous and controversial play by Italian playwright Luigi Pirandello. It tells the story of a theatre company and its director meeting six orphaned characters, looking for an author to complete their story. The play explores the relationship between reality and fiction, between a playwright and their creation, and between the actors and characters they play, under the constant shadow of the invisible but nevertheless ever-present author._

Severin read the rest of the booklet diagonally, noting only that Richard played a character soberly named "the Son", and dwelt on the illustrations - photos of the dress rehearsals, probably. He smiled as he recognized his friend, frozen in a fiery dialogue with a young comedian with androgynous features. The play sounded complex and metaphorical, nothing like the classics he had studied in school years ago. It was indeed Richard's style to be interested in the mechanics of theatre in the theatre itself - although he doubted that he was the one who chose the play. He would certainly need an explanation of the ins and outs of the story, but he was sure his friend would be happy to enlighten him.

About twenty minutes later, the room was finally full, and a man in his fifties appeared on stage to say a few words of introduction to the play. After that, three dull blows rang out, and the heavy curtain opened.

The performance began with a group of actors rehearsing a play - another work by Pirandello - under the tyrannical eye of their director. They were soon interrupted by the arrival of a strange family, claiming to be characters with an unfinished story, in search of an author to complete their narrative. The director agreed to listen to them, fascinated by their story, and asked them to show him the play they came from, so that his actors could reproduce it. Between the misadventures, the reversals and the dramatic twists, the roles were exchanged and blurred, the characters becoming actors of their own drama while those designated actors took the role of audience. The troupe criticized the director's dominating behaviour and their uselessness in a play that was performing itself on its own, while the director expressed his disbelief in the story told by the characters. The play had a complex and counter-intuitive progression, but following the thread of reflection, Severin easily managed to make sense of the play’s meaning, letting himself be guided by the acting of the characters on stage. The Son, played by Richard, was the one who intrigued Severin the most: set apart by the script, he refused to play his part in the play inside the play, stood away from his family and avoided the limelight. He was the only one of the characters who was opposed to the idea of making a show of himself, despite the fact that he was intrinsically linked to the unfolding of the drama. Jealous of his siblings, the Half Brother and the Child, he was eventually the cause of the death of the two young children, leaving him alone with his broken family and the cast of actors.

When the play ended and the troupe gathered on stage to bow, Severin was among those who clapped the loudest. Richard's gaze crossed his for a moment in the darkness of the room, and a radiant smile lit up the actor's face, imitating each of his colleagues.

After the actors left, the room gradually emptied itself, and Severin went out with the rest of the audience before moving to the back of the theatre. The sun had been setting for a long time, and only an isolated street lamp illuminated the artists' entrance. A man was leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. Severin recognized the one who played the Father, and approached him.

“Excuse me... the rest of the troop hasn't left yet, have they?”

The man looked up at him and shook his head.

“No, they're inside. But they're changing. It would be better if you waited for them to come out.”

The blond nodded and leaned against the wall. Several minutes passed, during which Severin learned that the man's name was Eric and was the director of the troupe. They discussed the play, the young man expressing his enthusiasm, but they were quickly interrupted by the arrival of the rest of the actors, chatting and laughing like excited teenagers getting out of school. Richard stopped in his track when he recognized Severin, and gave him a broad smile.

“Hey! We're going to the _Lord and Spoon_ for a bite to eat, do you want to come?”

“Oh, I don't want to bother you...”

“You must be Severin!” the Child interrupted and gave him a friendly punch in the arm. “Richie told us all about you. Come on, it'll be fun!”

The blond man glanced at his friend's hopeful face and surrendered.

“Okay, I'll follow you.”

“My name is Nolwen,” the actor who seemed to already know his name introduced themselves. “After each opening night, we meet in a pub or restaurant to eat and drink together. That's half the fun in the theatre.”

“I thought it was only high school musical productions that did that?”

“Hey, just because we're adults doesn't mean we're not allowed to have fun!”

Severin laughed, soon imitated by Nolwen, and they headed for the pub, which was only a few minutes' walk away. The blond took this opportunity to get to know the rest of the troupe, including a bisexual (to whom Severin gave a friendly high five after recognizing the badge on his jacket) and a genderfluid, a rare creature if ever there was one.

The restaurant was actually a pizzeria, to Severin's great surprise, as the name suggested a tavern in the purest English tradition. The small, heterogeneous group was almost the only customers of the establishment, and took this opportunity to talk in a loud voice, with some members of the troupe even getting carried away into a musical act. Everyone except Eric ordered a beer - or even several - to accompany their dinner, and Severin shared a pizza with Richard. The atmosphere was festive and friendly, very different from the parties organized by his colleagues. Here, the actors shared anecdotes about lost props, improvised lines of text and drunk directors, rather than trying to impress each other with their saucy songs and resistance to alcohol. The alcohol, by the way, was flowing, and everyone was tipsy - or even outright drunk in the case of Jenna, the actress who played the Mother, and who had just downed two margaritas (not the pizzas). Severin had been quickly adopted by the troupe, which obviously had already heard of him in rather positive terms. Richard was smiling unreservedly, happy to see that his friend was easily integrated into the gang. As the evening progressed, the group split into several small discussions, Severin naturally staying with Richard, as well as Nolwen who was sitting next to them. The latter told them about their first play when they were in college.

“I had joined the theatre club during the year, and I had been assigned the role of a student who had withdrawn midway in the semester. My character was a boy - well, they were more or less adaptable, but everyone had already learned their lines and referred to him as a boy. So I insisted that he stay like that when the teacher suggested I feminize him. I still have a picture of myself with a huge drawn-on moustache and a tux too big for me. Clearly, there were already signs very young...”

Richard laughed.

“The first plays always leave some...” he stopped for a moment. “I was going to say good memories, but let's say interesting.”

“When was your first play?” Severin enquired.

“Middle school. It’s a long-term passion. I played in the musical Alice in Wonderland, I was part of the ensemble. In one of the songs, we had to repeat what the caterpillar said, and get up and throw our arms in the air. Well, in the second part of the song, but I had forgotten that. So the first time the caterpillar said the word in question, I got up on my own and shouted "ZIP! "before I realized my mistake and tried to make myself tiny behind my classmates. I was later assured that I was not audible because only the main characters had a microphone, but I was still ashamed of it throughout the rest of the play.”

“ZIP!” Nolwen shouted as they got up from their seat, making Severin laugh.

Richard gave them a friendly punch in the arm, and they sat back down.

“You've never done theater before, have you?” Nolwen asked their guest.

Severin shrugged his shoulders.

“I did a play with my middle school club, I guess that counts. I was in a production of _The Witch In The Broom Cupboard_ , and for some reason, our director thought it was a good idea for me to play the witch, when I was the youngest and most puny-looking in the group. To make me look a little more threatening, I was asked to put on black lipstick. It seemed like a good idea at the time, until I went to see myself in the mirror. I was so shocked by my new face that I immediately took it all off and refused to wear makeup on stage.”

Nolwen laughed.

“I would have loved to test that kind of makeup as a kid. My parents told me that it was "not suitable for a young lady". On reflection, that's probably why I got into theatre, to try to be someone else than what was imposed on me.”

“What about you, Rich? Why the theater?” asked Severin, putting his chin in his hand.

A broad smile lit up the young man's face.

“Oooh, vast subject. Because it's lively, it's rich, it's... It's a mirror of our society, a kind of parallel world. You enter the theatre, and you are in another world, the world of the author. It’s their vision, their universe, and they include you in it, they challenge you, they present you with their vision of things... It’s a magnificent enhancement of society’s values, and by values I mean the good and the bad. It sublimates reality to make it an even more real and poignant mirror. It takes you by the gut, it makes you cry... A theatre play, if well written and well performed, can make you question your life, your philosophy, the way you relate to people. And hopefully, you still keep all that when you leave the room. I don't find that in any other art forms.”

Severin could not help but notice that the young man's Irish accent seemed more prominent when he got carried away. He didn't know if it was due to the alcohol or the enthusiasm, but the blond found it adorable.

“Not even in cinema?”

Richard shook his head vigorously.

“Cinema is an industry. It's impersonal, it's made to be perfect. You can go and see a play a hundred times, it will never be the same one. There are real people in front of you, telling you about their lives, their dramas, everything that makes them - and us - human. It's real, you can immerse yourself in it, be part of it - you're in their world. With cinema, you just watch it from a distance. It's only an illusion.”

Severin watched his friend silently as he poured his heart before him. Richard's passion was the same as when he was on stage, and a light shone in his eyes. Theatre was more than entertainment for him, it was a vocation, a flame that made him shine from within, Severin understood. He could not take his eyes off the young man carried away in his exalted tirade.

“Is that how you feel when you play? Being part of a world?”

Richard nodded.

“Yes. It allows me to discover the lives of the characters I play, to put myself in their shoes... I become someone else and I exchange my life. In the end, I am the one who creates this world, as much as the author, I am the one who gives life to their story. I give myself to the characters as much as they give me, even if we are totally different people. It's like they're talking through me. I convey their words, their questions, their warnings to the audience, and I can see its reactions in front of me, I can see their eyes shining, their tears flowing, their bodies shaking. For two hours, we are all part of the same universe, in someone else's life. It's something magical and unique.”

Nolwen seemed to have noticed the deference with which Severin looked at the comedian, for they smiled at him with complicity before turning their attention back to Richard.

“It allows me to escape,” the comedian continued after taking a sip of beer. “To get out of myself for a while and live another life. To learn how to live mine. It's a kind of school, and the actors learn as much as the audience.”

Severin nodded, without taking his eyes off his friend’s face made rosy-cheeked by alcohol. What had he learned tonight? That the same person could be incredibly different depending on the place, the people with whom they were, what they were doing; while retaining what gave them their identity, what made them unique. As if the walls around the flame of his heart were thinner and letting it shine. That a passion was something wonderful, that he envied his friend - but above all he was happy that he had a vocation to guide him and make him progress. That sharing this fragment of his life and his heart with Severin was a mark of attention and trust that Richard offered to very few people. That the small Irishman was incredibly beautiful when he was happy.

And that Severin had fallen in love.

He was gradually pulled out of his torpor by the voice of Eric who had joined the conversation. The evening progressed and gradually stretched into the night. Severin spent the last minutes, hours, centuries - he had trouble keeping track of time – half-listening to conversations, while he let his thoughts drift towards Richard, his enthusiasm, his catchy voice and the spark in his eyes. When the restaurant finally closed, Eric offered to drive him back, being one of the few who hadn't drank enough to trigger a breathalyzer test. Severin accepted with gratitude, and let himself be taken back home along with some other actors. He warmly thanked the troupe for their welcome, hugged Richard to say goodbye - a gesture he would have refrained from doing had he been sober - and finally returned home, his mind clouded by alcohol and feelings. The sing-song voice of the small Irishman continued to resonate in his ears, and he fell asleep smiling, waiting impatiently for the next day to see his friend.

Richard was the last to arrive home, and only Eric was left in the car when they finally arrived at his residence. The manager greeted him warmly as he left the vehicle.

“Good night, Rich.”

“Good night, Eric,” he replied with a smile.

He was about to close the door when his friend's voice stopped him.

“Severin is a good guy. Don't lose him.”

Richard nodded. He had no intention of being separated from the blond anytime soon. He waved at him one last time and walked into his building. He had just locked the door of his apartment when his phone started ringing. Surprised, he frenziedly searched his pockets for the device - who could call him at this time of night?

His heart tightened when he recognized the name on the screen.

Jim.

With a sigh, he picked up the phone and carried the device to his ear.

“ _Happy birthday, little brother_ ,” exclaimed a voice distorted by the waves – if one listened carefully, they could recognize the same accents as in Richard's.

The young man dropped on his couch and closed his eyes.

“Happy birthday, Jim. A year closer to death.”

“ _Oooh, don't say that. You know you'll die after me!_ ”

“I wasn't saying that for myself. Why are you calling me so late?”

“ _You had a theater performance, didn't you? I didn't want to disturb you._ ”

Richard frowned. Jim didn't usually bother about his schedule before calling him - he only made sure he wasn't at work anymore.

“ _I know it's important to you_ ,” continued the voice in the handset.

Richard smiled. Their passion for theatre was one of the few things the two brothers had in common - the only difference was the way they had integrated it into their lives. Jim was in a profession in which he had to constantly play a role - especially to preserve his safety and anonymity, but Richard knew full well that he took a certain pleasure in it.

“It was a play by Pirandello," the comedian said.

“ _Oh, that old schmuck?_ ” Jim's voice became condescending. “ _He tries to explain metaphysical concepts by wrapping them in even more metaphysics, he confuses illusion and reality, and he always ends up with conclusions of an overwhelming platitude. Frankly, I don't understand what you see in him._ ”

“I like his metaphysical talks,” Richard simply justified himself. “It makes one use their brain a bit more than Molière and Shakespeare.”

“ _Let's not get into this debate, shall we?_ ”

“Why are you calling me?”

“ _Pardon me?_ ”

“You already called me last week for the report on our situation you give me every month. By the way, you know very well that I never have anything to report to you. I live in the depths of a godforsaken hole in Cornwall, none of your "clients" will be able to find me here. And if you’re not calling me to monitor my situation, I don't see what favour you could want to ask me - my next trip to London isn't scheduled for several months, I'm no use to you here.”

Silence fell for a few seconds, before Jim's digital voice rose again.

“ _I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I doubt your colleagues could have done so, given the date on your identity papers.”_

Richard's heart tightened. Jim was right, he was the only one who knew him completely. Even his best friends were mistaken about his birthday - another lie that he had to tell them to protect his identity. It was only a detail, after all this time it shouldn't get to him anymore - but he couldn't help but feel a pinch in his heart.

“Thank you. And a happy birthday to you too.”

He didn't wait for Jim to say anything else, and hung up the phone. In other circumstances, he could have continued the discussion, but it was late, almost early, and with the alcohol and the fatigue, Richard was not in the mood to have a full conversation with his brother. He didn't know if Jim had called him out of courtesy or really out of attention for his twin, but for whatever reason, the discussion left a bittersweet impression on Richard. After all, a birthday was just a date, and he had spent the evening with people he loved. It didn't matter if they knew or not what this day meant to him. He finally went to bed, trying to focus on the fact that he had a life outside Jim. He may have had to hide things from his loved ones, but he was still the real him.


	4. The best mistake

Richard hated himself. If he could have looked himself in the face and yelled at himself, he would have. This went beyond his usual lack of self-confidence, this time he was really angry with the stupid optimistic teenager that lived inside him, and depressed by his lack of self-control. He had screwed everything up again. And this time, it was almost certain that it would be impossible to put back in place the fragments of his broken relationship with Severin.

But everything had started so well. With spring just beginning and the return of the sunny days, Severin had suggested to his friend that he spend the afternoon outside with him. Richard had not hesitated to accept the invitation, and they had had lunch in his favourite cafe, before taking a walk in Fal Vale’s park. Richard enjoyed his time alone with Severin, away from their colleagues, work and the concerns of daily life. They were small bubbles out of time, which allowed him to rest, recharge his batteries and regain confidence in himself and his life. A life that seemed brighter and more fulfilled since the young man had entered it: he had acted as a key on the door that held Richard locked in himself, and he had allowed him to open up to the people around him, allow himself a new contact with his friends, and gain confidence in the eyes of others. He remained, of course, the reserved man he was, did not take as much part in the discussions as the others, and kept his private life to himself; but sharing his time and interests with other people greatly counterbalanced the feeling of confinement he could sometimes feel. Finally, he felt like he was taking control of his life, and enjoying it rather than spending his time controlling his environment, his actions and his words. Severin had given him what he had been searching for a long time: the opportunity to live a normal life. He could almost forget his secrets and his efforts to hide them, and his routine had become more a comfort than a protection. Richard silently thanked Severin for this liberation, and hoped deep inside that the young man appreciated their relationship as much as he cherished it.

Richard knew deep down that he was still living on the edge. The peaceful and happy life he had built for himself could fall apart at any moment - but the fact that he now had control over it was reassuring. He was only interested in maintaining the illusion of Richard Brook, the weird but kind friend with whom Severin liked to spend time, the passionate theatre nerd who offered dramatic performances under the laughter and applause of his friend, the empathetic and caring man who listened to Severin talk about his problems and seek his advice. As long as he kept this part of the iceberg out of the water, everything would be fine; as long as he kept his feelings to himself, their friendship would last. But this required refraining from taking Severin's hand when they went to the cinema together, remaining discreet when he admired the young man's handsome profile, not showing that he hung on to every word he said, not letting his anger express itself when Severin told him about a derogatory or disrespectful colleague. If he showed the true face of his feelings, he risked losing the deep complicity that had been established between them, and Severin, too respectful, would walk away for fear of making a mistake. Richard could not risk breaking their relationship by letting his selfish feelings show. 

But despite all his attention and precautions, keeping control of his emotions with Severin was becoming more and more difficult. Richard sometimes allowed himself a gesture, a little attention that he hoped would not betray his feelings towards his "friend", and every time he was afraid he had gone too far - but Severin would answer him with an amused smile, or a compliment, and Richard would relax. Now the two men were sitting on a bench in the almost deserted park, watching in a relaxing silence the buds that were beginning to bloom in the trees. It was one of those moments that didn't require a word, and the two friends were happy to just spend time in each other’s company. Richard was thinking about the apparent simplicity of their relationship when he felt a weight leaning on his shoulder. He could not help but smile when he saw that Severin had put his head against him and closed his eyes. The tall blond had had an exhausting week, and the peaceful atmosphere of the park was conducive to an impromptu nap - although he doubted to be the most comfortable pillow. He tried to stay as still as possible so as not to disturb his friend, and simply observed the trees around him. The cherry trees were blooming, and he smiled as he remembered that it was Severin's favourite flower. He took a look at the blond: he had his eyes closed and a peaceful look on his face, his deep breathing made Richard move slightly. After a moment of hesitation, the young man put his head against Severin's - no reaction from the blond. Richard realized that his heartbeat was growing faster, and he sighed. Why couldn't he enjoy a moment of calm with Severin without his heart racing? He took a deep breath to calm down and closed his eyes for a moment. The breeze blowing in the park made one of Severin's strands of hair fly, and it came to tickle Richard's cheek, making him smile with amusement. The blond man's breathing had not changed, still as peaceful and deep, and Richard had trouble thinking of anything but the weight of his head on his shoulder, the contact of his silky hair on his cheek and the regular lifting of his chest - his mind was now unable to notice the park around him, and the world now seemed to revolve around the two men sitting on the bench. Severin was most likely asleep, and Richard had to use all his self-control to prevent himself from stroking the young man's hair or cheek. It wasn't something friends did, and he didn't want to wake Severin up and make him move away. And there it was, his heartbeat was starting to panic again...

“ _Kiss him_ ,” whispered a little voice deep in his mind, immediately silenced by his self-preservation instinct. Richard closed his eyes to stop himself from admiring Severin's curved cheeks and the golden blond of his hair. This only gave free rein to his thoughts, which did not help much, and he finally reopened his eyelids to look at the flowers that were flying around. Severin was totally blind to the storm that was raging a few centimetres away. The small Irishman took another look at the sleeper, and could not keep a smile on his face. Only then could Richard be himself and let into the light a piece of the iceberg of his feelings for Severin.

“I love you,” he whispered as low as possible, letting the words get lost in the wind.

Richard knew he had made a mistake when he suddenly felt Severin stiffen against him.

Shit.

He lifted his head, and the blond one straightened up, slowly turning back towards him.

Shit!

He blinked, chasing away the remnants of a sleep that must not have been as deep as Richard had imagined. The young man's heartbeat gew panicked as he became aware of the extent of the mistake he had just made, and its consequences.

Severin's blue eyes stabbed like stakes in Richard's eyes, preventing him from moving an inch.

“What did you just say?” Severin asked in a soft voice.

“Nothing!” replied the young man, a little too fast to be credible.

_Please let Severin not have heard, please don't let him insist, please..._ Richard was desperately looking for a way out while his mind suddenly drowning in adrenaline began to panic and run at a hundred miles an hour.

“I heard you,” insisted the blond. “What did you say?”

The panic must have been visible on Richard's face, because Severin couldn't help an amused smile.

“I didn't say anything at all!”

He’s going to laugh, he’s going to make fun of me, he'll think I'm ridiculous....

“Yes you did, you said...”

Under Severin's stunned gaze, Richard jumped up on his feet and picked up his bag with a sharp gesture, before running along the dirt road that crossed through the park. He heard the blond man stand up after him and shout his name, but he did not turn around. He did not turn around when he left the park, he did not turn around when he heard his phone ringing in his jeans pocket, he did not turn around when he crossed the mile and a half that separated him from his residence. He only stopped running when he reached the door of his building, against which he leaned, out of breath. Richard took his head between his hands and swore against his astronomical stupidity. How could he have been so dumb? How could he have let his guard down like that, thought he was safe and thought Severin wouldn't hear him? And why, oh why did he run away like a thief? Panic prevented him from reacting rationally, and now he regretted his escape, but it was too late to turn back. He felt his phone vibrating again in his pocket, and swore again. He couldn't face Severin, not now, not in this state. With his head resonating with curses and insults, he opened the door of his building with a trembling hand and climbed the steps four to four to reach his apartment. He locked the door behind him, threw his still-ringing phone in a corner, and collapsed onto his bed, now empty of all energy.

It took him several minutes to calm the panicked beats of his heart and to somewhat soothe the storm that was raging beneath his skull. Lying on his back, his eyes firmly fixed on the white and empty ceiling, he tried to take stock of his situation.

He had just accidentally declared his feelings to the man he loved. It was already a bad start. Severin, obviously, thought it was funny. This kept getting better and better. And Richard had fled before he could clarify anything and try to calm the situation, now preventing him from denying anything to Severin. Oh, and he was ignoring his calls and texts. Richard put a weary hand on his face. He knew that sooner or later he would have to talk about the events with the blond, but he felt absolutely not ready to read what he had texted him. It was better to try to calm down beforehand... What Richard's brain seemed perfectly incapable of doing: it was still swearing and listing all the disastrous consequences he would face the next day. The mockery of his colleagues. Severin's pity. The pure and simple disappearance of the complicity he shared with him. He could hardly imagine Severin simply stop seeing him, but the blond would necessarily distance himself. Richard's few remnants of broken optimism tried to attract his attention, suggesting that maybe, just maybe, his feelings were reciprocated, but the young man swept away these unrealistic arguments with a wave of his hand. Severin always talked about him as his best friend. He was kind and attentive to everyone, and the trust and intimacy they shared were only the mark of a deep friendship, the kind you can't get out of once it developed. Believing that he had the slightest chance would only make the fall even more painful, when he would finally have to face Severin and the consequences of his reckless behaviour.

His phone rang again, and he got up from his bed to take it. The screen showed a picture of Severin, smiling, and his name written underneath. Richard hesitated for what seemed like an eternity, holding the phone in front of his eyes with a trembling hand. Ignoring Severin would probably only make his situation worse, and several times he was about to pick up the phone... until the device finally stopped ringing. Richard dropped it unceremoniously on the carpet and sat down on the floor with his head in his hands. His mind kept bubbling, and no matter what he did, he couldn't keep it quiet. He quickly reviewed his options: none seemed good. Richard had never been good at social relations, and had never been in such a problematic situation as this...

A vicious little voice in his head quickly reminded him of all the dramatic circumstances in which he had found himself during his short life: having broken his relationship with the man he loved was far from being at the top of the ranking. But all these problems had had one thing in common: Jim. Whether as the cause or as the resolution, his brother had been always at the heart of the troubles that had marked him the most, and Richard couldn't help but wonder if that was why he had such difficulty solving his problems like a normal human being.

For a desperate moment, Richard considered calling his brother for help. Then he gave himself a wide mental slap while shooting his phone a murderous glare. Jim was the last person Richard could ask for relationship advice: he wasn't even sure that the criminal had a heart capable of feeling human emotions. He already knew what Jim's solution would be: to eliminate the disruptive element that drove Richard into disarray. In other words, killing Severin, purely and simply. Richard sighed deeply and let himself fall on his back. Why couldn't he have a normal life in a functional family and only have to worry about his own problems? Once again, despite the routine Richard had built to guide his life, and the people he had surrounded himself with, he remained alone. Who could he have asked for advice from? His brother? He didn't even want to take him into account in the equation. His colleagues? He only knew them vaguely, and he could not allow himself to open up to them. His fellow actors? Despite all the mutual respect between them, Richard had not told them that he was gay, and now was the worst time to do so. And Severin was the last person he could talk to right now. Ironically, the person he trusted most was at the heart of the problem.

Richard had put himself in this situation on his own, and he would get out of it himself. He had made his decision: he should take his courage in both shaking hands, apologize to Severin, try if possible to mend their friendship, and do everything he could to convince the blond that his feelings would not get in the way of their relationship. He was now contemplating the future with resigned certainty. Too bad for him if he lost the friendship that mattered most to him along the way. This would only be the logical consequence of his reckless actions.

Richard lay on the ground for a long time, as time passed around him without touching him. Eventually he got up, put his phone away where he couldn't step on it, and started doing his household chores, hoping to distract his mind from the relational disaster he had triggered. Then he spent the evening in front of the television watching a movie, without really being able to concentrate on it. When he finally went to bed, he could not remember the title or the plot. Only Severin's face was in his thoughts, a grin on his lips as he asked him to repeat the three words he had just whispered.

It took him several hours before he finally fell asleep.

oOoOoOo

Upon waking up, Severin felt a slight unease. It was unusual, because he was the kind of person who always got out on the right side of the bed, but something inside him was worried about the next day. It took him a moment of reflection before the events of the previous day returned to his sleepy memory, and his face collapsed to the memory of Richard running away from the park. He sat on the edge of his bed and grabbed his phone from the bedside table. No new messages. He sighed before getting up and getting ready for work. It was not so much Richard's escape that troubled him, but his lack of response. It was not the kind of small Irishman to lock himself in silence like that - not with him, anyway. If he had first doubted that he had heard Richard's words in the park, the young man's sudden escape quickly confirmed them. Severin had tried to chase him, but by the time he came to his senses and realized what had just happened, he was already far away. He had been caught off guard by Richard's reaction, even if upon reflection he could understand it; but why did he ignore him so when all his messages were intended to reassure him? Had he made a mistake, something that hurt the young man without him noticing? Richard didn't seem to realize that his feelings for Severin were mutual - the tall blond had tried to let him understand it, but he wasn't the best at flirting, especially with men, and between his clumsy attempts and Richard's social anxiety, the message must have gotten lost. In the end, Severin thought that he should perhaps have taken the lead, and clearly stated his feelings to the young man, as Richard had done yesterday. But until now, he had not seemed particularly interested in Severin, apart from the fact that they spent a lot of time together, and that the small Irishman talked to him more willingly about himself than to his other colleagues, and that he often stared at him when he thought Severin didn't see him, and... upon reflection, Severin should have really suspected something.

He breathed another sigh of frustration. Whatever had happened the day before, Severin sincerely hoped that the misunderstanding could be cleared up by the discussion - assuming Richard would agree to talk to him, and not spend the day avoiding him. He sent yet another text message to his friend without much hope, and headed for the station, a tight knot in his stomach. Hopefully, by arriving early he would be able to meet Richard before he started work.

The bus journey took place in an anxious silence, only punctuated by the background noise of the bus users' conversations. He was among the first people to arrive at the workplace, only the members of the first morning shift and a desk hostess were present. Severin nodded at her and continued on his way to the common room shared by the employees. He took a look at his watch, making sure he had a good hour left before his shift began, and sat on a bench waiting for Richard to arrive.

The young man soon appeared in the door frame. He was about to enter the room but froze when he noticed Severin. Their eyes crossed, and the small Irishman hesitated for a moment. His apprehension was visible on his face, and he stared at Severin with a somewhat pleading look. When he jumped up from his bench, Richard turned his heels and disappeared into the hallway. Severin swore and threw himself after him, quickly enough this time to catch him.

“Richard, you can't spend all your time avoiding me,” he exclaimed, grabbing his arm.

Richard stopped abruptly and turned around to the blond, a frightened look on his face. He first took a glance around, noting the presence of the hostess at the other end of the hall, and finally turned his eyes to Severin.

“Not here”" he muttered in an urgent tone.

He freed himself from Severin's grip and moved along the corridor towards the rear door of the station. His companion followed him, somewhat reassured. At least Richard agreed to talk to him.

They went through the service door to the rear parking lot of the station, which was almost unused - most of the employees came on foot or by bus. At least they wouldn't be disturbed. Richard stood in front of him, near the wall, avoiding Severin's gaze. The blond opened his mouth to talk, but Richard cut him off.

“Please, forget what I said,” he asked in a hurried voice. “I should never have said it, I let it slip, but I should have kept it to myself. You're the best friend I have here, and I don't want to lose that, I don't want... my feelings to change anything in our relationship. So please tell me we can stay-“

“Can I kiss you?”

Richard froze in the middle of his sentence and looked up at Severin, speechless and wide eyed. Severin had put a hand on his arm, and was looking at him with an intensity that could have melted the stone. Richard blinked, confused and uncertain about what he had just heard.

“You... what?!”

An amused smile stretched Severin's lips.

“Do you mind if I kiss you?”

The young man could almost physically see Richard's resistance, fears and apprehension melting like snow in the sun, while the features of his face relaxed, as if an armour weighing tons had just been removed. His eyes were trapped by Severin's gaze. He stammered.

“N... No, I-“

The words that struggled to escape from his lips got lost on Severin's, and Richard finally closed his eyes under the influx of terrifying and magnificent sensations. The unexpected caress of Severin's warm lips was a ray of sunshine that suddenly illuminated all the dark corners of his mind, his fear, his loneliness, his anguish at the thought of losing the man he loved; all his doubts vanished, leaving only certainty.

“I love you.”

Richard looked up into the blue ocean facing him, with a shy smile on his face, and let Severin's words complete the work begun by the kiss. The young man’s radiant smile only managed to make Richard lose even more of his composure, if that were possible.

“I'm sorry...” he muttered, letting his head go against Severin's large chest. “I'm such an idiot.”

A hand gently rested on his head and stroked his hair, passing his fingers between his crazy strands.

“We complete each other well,” Severin's voice whispered in his ear.

Richard giggled - both from nervousness and from amusement at Severin's words. They were really two gay disasters. The tall blond man's protective arms wrapped themselves around him, and Richard responded to the embrace, hugging the young man as if he was afraid he would fly away and disappear. After a few seconds they finally split up, and their smiles could have lit up the whole city.

“I'm really sorry...” Richard repeated as he passed a nervous hand through his tousled hair.

“Stop apologizing, it's nothing,” reassured the blond man.

Silence settled in, as the two looked at each other in embarrassed silence, and Richard whispered:

“Don't tell the others, okay?”

Severin nodded.

“I won't talk about it.”

He reached a shy hand out to Richard's, who approached to hold it, and stood up on tiptoe.

“Thank you,” he replied before gently placing his lips on Severin's.

He could feel the young man smiling against his mouth, and that was the most exhilarating feeling there was: knowing that it was him who made him smile, that he made him happy. A happiness he had thought was forbidden to him until now. It had to be a miracle, and Richard surprised himself by thanking God for pushing him to commit this huge blunder, which had proved to be a blessing. Given their situation, they could still have spent months with their unspoken feelings waiting for the sky to fall on their heads.

Richard finally turned away and walked towards the door, his fingers lingering on Severin's palm before leaving it - only temporarily, he reminded himself.

“We really have to go,” he declared, opening the door and turning towards Severin.

The blond nodded and followed him inside the building. His head was still spinning, and he was having trouble becoming fully aware of what had just happened. The pink mist that bathed his mind would still take time to dissipate, in the meantime he just smiled like an idiot while thinking he was the happiest man on earth.


	5. No longer alone

The beginning of a relationship was always something strange for Severin. He felt like he was in a kind of transitional state, like a butterfly slowly emerging from its cocoon - the intimacy he was gradually building with Richard was a continuation of the complicity that had characterized their friendship, but he was hesitant about the actions to be taken, the words to be said, the attentions to be given. He was taking small steps forward on the path to a life together that he had long been waiting to be able to explore. He had never been the type to go from stranger to fusional couple overnight, and was still looking for words to place on what he was going through with Richard. But for the time being, the simple presence of the small Irishman at his side was enough to satisfy him. They were both sitting on the couch in Severin's apartment, watching a detective movie. Well, sitting was not exactly the right word for it. They had started the evening side by side, comfortably seated against the backrest, a bowl of chips between them; until Richard timidly approached his hand to Severin's, his fingers caressing his skin with the lightness of a feather. Severin had smiled and caught his hand in his own, and a few minutes later Richard was rolled in a ball against the tall blond man's chest, Severin's cheek resting on his head, and their fingers intertwined like balls of wool with which a kitten had played a little too long. Severin couldn't see the younger's face, but a radiant smile stretched his lips, and he had the greatest difficulty concentrating on the film, busy as he was thinking of the warmth of Richard's body against his chest.

The serenity of the moment was broken by the cheerful ringtone of Richard’s phone on the coffee table in the living room. Music and vibrations mixed with television lyrics to create a confusing hubbub. Richard growled, and stretched out his hand to grab the phone. His appointed pillow straightened up to let him move, and inquired:

“Do you want me to pause?”

“It's all right, don't worry,” replied Richard. “It's just...”

He stopped, suddenly looking worried. Severin leaned over his shoulder to take a look at the phone screen, which was still ringing. It only displayed a default profile image and three letters: Jim. Richard looked up at him hesitantly, then stared down at his phone and hung up with a decisive gesture. He put the object back on the table and kissed Severin's lips softly before falling over on the couch.

“It is not important.”

Severin frowned for a moment - it seemed to be. But he didn't insist, preferring to imitate Richard and relax. He put a protective arm around the brunette’s shoulders and turned his attention back to the film.

It didn't take more than a few seconds for the phone to start vibrating again, making Richard jump violently. He straightened up and took the device: the screen was displaying a text message from Jim.

" _RICHARD BROOK PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE IMMEDIATELY_ "

“Shit," the young man cursed as he got up with a bounce off the couch, before Severin's worried eyes.

The phone had started ringing again, and this time he answered without delay. The blond man listened, alarmed by Richard's reaction.

“ _Richard, what was that?_ ” a muffled voice shouted in the handset.

“I'm sorry, Jim...”

“ _Since when do you hang up on me? Are you all right?_ ”

“Why do you care?” Richard asked vehemently.

“ _You always answer immediately. For a moment there I thought something had happened to you_.”

“I have a life outside of you, you know,” the young man replied.

“ _Yeah, sure_.”

The voice in the phone exuded sarcasm, and Severin clenched his fists when he heard it. Whoever this jerk was, he’d better leave Richard alone. The young man seemed to be at the end of his rope, and with great feeling, he finally exclaimed:

“Jim, for God's sake, I'm with my boyfriend!”

The silence fell in the small room - the mysterious Jim seemed caught off guard, as much as Severin, who had not yet dared to discuss the matter with Richard. He must have realized this, because he turned back to Severin, looking contrite. The blond man gave him a reassuring smile, and Richard relaxed a little.

“C _ongratulations_ ,” said the voice in the handset.

The anger of the small Irishman seemed to fade away, and his voice sounded more tired than angry when he replied:

“Yeah, thank you. I'll call you back later, okay?”

“ _Don't forget_.”

Richard moved the phone away from his ear and hung up, before launching it violently into the padded chair a little further away. Severin got up from the couch to join him, and he felt the small brunette relax when he put one hand on his shoulder.

“Who was it?”

Richard sighed and turned back to him.

“It was... Jim. Don't worry about him.”

“It doesn't sound fine.”

The young man smiled at him unconvincingly, and sat back down on the couch, pulling him after him by the hand.

“He's a pain in the ass. Please, forget him.”

Severin nodded, but made a mental note of telling this Jim some home truths if he ever put Richard in such a state again. The man sounded like an ex-boyfriend who was a little too possessive. Severin had already had to deal with this kind of fools before, and knew that it was often difficult to get rid of them.

A few minutes passed in a relative silence only disturbed by the sounds of the television, which neither of them really listened to, until Severin turned to the small brunette.

“Your boyfriend?” he asked with a knowing smile.

Richard looked away and began to blush.

“Only if you want to.”

The blond man stroked his cheek, turning his face towards him and looking into the youngest man's chocolate eyes.

“Of course, I want to.”

He had the very clear feeling that his heart had just melted when Richard suddenly smiled at him, his eyes shining with sincere happiness. The young man sat up to reach the tall blond man's lips, and they kissed each other for a long time, totally ignoring the television and the ambient sounds of the apartment. Only the caress of warm lips and greedy tongues, and the certainty of a burgeoning love counted.

“I'm going to have to refrain from kissing you and holding your hand at work...” Severin said dramatically when they split up. “How will I survive?”

Richard laughed.

“And so will I. Anyway, I'll have to tell them sooner or later.”

The blond turned to his fri- boyfriend, he corrected himself immediately.

“Tell them?”

“That I'm dating the most handsome man on Earth. I can't spend my life hiding,” he added in a more serious tone.

Severin took his hand in his own.

“When you're ready, I’ll be too.”

oOoOoOo

The world rarely does what is expected of it, especially when it comes to waiting to be ready. The universe is always having fun forcing hands and pushing people to make choices - which is sometimes not bad, and prevents crucial decisions from being postponed to an eternal tomorrow.

For Richard and Severin, the ultimatum of this mischievous universe came in the form of two station agents who approached their table in the cafeteria during the lunch break. The couple was sitting with some of their colleagues and quietly ate their meal when the intruders came up and giggled at each other. They stood in front of the young man and asked, in a voice that suggested that they already knew the answer:

“You're together, aren't you? Half the station already knows Richard's a faggot.”

A few heads rose around the table, shooting offended glares at the two agents. Severin clenched his fists at the sight of Richard – who had almost curled up in his chair by reflex, his eyes firmly fixed on his meal, refusing to cross the eyes of the two men.

“There are no faggots here,” the blond man replied in a loud voice. “Go away, go spit out your venom somewhere else.”

“We saw you,” one of them insisted. “The other day, while you were making out in the locker room.”

Some technicians did their best not to pay attention to the two buggers who were spewing away, assuming that ignoring them would drive them away. The others seemed ready to give them a piece of their mind, and Lorna had begun to stand up, about to throw hands. Severin was about to imitate her, but Richard's glance discouraged him. The small Irishman seemed to hesitate for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of a decision that in any case seemed to have already been made for him, then he turned to the two agents.

“Maybe I'm going out with him, so what? What the hell do you care?”

Severin froze. He had not expected Richard to confirm the ''accusations'' of the two intruders. He took an interrogating look at him, and his boyfriend gave him a reassuring smile. Severin thought for a moment. Violence was out of the question: it would end up going south, and it would only serve the others. He had to find another way to get rid of these two morons. Without giving them time to reply, the tall blond climbed on his chair and stood up, to the great surprise of his colleagues.

“Your attention, please!” he announced in a thundering voice, using his hands as a megaphone.

The room grew silent in a few seconds, everyone preferring to pause their conversation to watch the doofus that had just stood onto a chair.

“There are apparently rumours going around that Richard and I are dating.”

He kept quiet for a moment, taking a break to look over his audience.

“I would like to assure you that these rumours are absolutely true. And if anyone messes with my boyfriend because of that, their face will very quickly meet my very gay and very angry fist. Is that understood?”

There were a few seconds of silence, before half a dozen shy replies of "Yes" rang out in the room, mostly covered by the "Aye, Cap'tain!" shouted in a joyful voice by the technicians around the table. Severin gave the audience an understood smile and climbed down from his chair, as the conversations gradually resumed their course around them. Then he turned to the two fools who were now looking at him in shock.

“Is that understood?” he asked again in a stone-cold voice.

The two men hesitated for a moment.

“Understood,” the first one mumbled.

“Fuck you!” the other one spat in an unconvinced voice before turning around and walking away.

“With pleasure!” Severin said to his back.

He finally sat down in his chair and took Richard's hand in his own.

“Are you alright?”

The young man gave him a smile that was meant to be reassuring.

“It's fine. They're just morons.”

“They won’t bother you anymore. And if they try...”

“Their faces will meet your very gay and very angry fist?”

“Exactly.”

The conversations around the table gradually resumed, punctuated by a friendly pat on the back from Richard and Severin's neighbours, and they went through their day, trying to ignore the incident. Richard was both anxious to be finally out of the infamous metaphorical closet, and excited about the freedom it meant. Severin's reassuring presence at his side and the support of their friends represented a certainty: he would no longer be alone in the face of the idiocy of a few homophobes.


	6. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my friends L. and Vee for their insight on transidentity and relationships.  
> Warning: this chapter contains smut. This is the first time I write that kind of scenes, so please be understanding.

The weekend had finally arrived after a tiring week for both Richard and Severin. The weather was deplorable, which did not help the train lines, and the two men were relieved to finally have time for themselves in a dry place. Severin was sitting on his couch, reading a book while listening to the rain fall, when the doorbell made a strident sound. He started, and jumped up, a smile stretching his lips. Richard had promised to visit him in the afternoon, but with the rain he hadn't expected him to arrive any time soon. He opened the door of his apartment to find his boyfriend standing on the landing, his hair ruffled by the hood he had just removed.

“Hi, Sev!” he exclaimed when the blond opened the door.

“You're soaked! Come in!”

Severin stood aside to let him in, and took his coat as soon as he had taken it off. Richard went into the living room, soon followed by the blond.

“You’re reading Wilde?” Richard aksed, raising an eyebrow.

His boyfriend picked up the copy of _The Portrait of Dorian Gray_ open on the armrest of the sofa and placed it on a table.

“Your friend Nolwen recommended it to me. It's a little old-fashioned, but very interesting.”

“Very gay, mostly.”

Severin laughed, and slumped on the couch, looking up at Richard.

“Almost as much as you.”

“Is this seat taken?” asked the small brunette, pointing towards Severin's lap.

He simply raised an eyebrow, with a look that said "what was I saying", before opening his arms wide. His boyfriend came to snuggle up, taking advantage of Severin's warmth to fight the cold of the rain. The tall blond exuded heat, like a travelling radiator, which was perfect for the cold Irishman. The blond didn't take long to understand what his boyfriend was looking for, and began to gently rub his back, making a noise that sounded very much like a purr. Richard moved his head a little until he found a comfortable position, wedged in the hollow of Severin's shoulder, and took advantage of this proximity to give a kiss on the blond's neck, then a second one, continuing along the curve of his jaw. Severin turned his head to grab his lips, opening his own to welcome the young man's greedy tongue, and they kissed for a long time until Severin fell on his back on the couch. Richard followed suit, laughing, and opened his eyes to plunge them into Severin's sky blue irises, where an intense glow of affection shone. The blond man raised his hand to caress his boyfriend's cheek, the other still resting on his back. Richard shivered under Severin's enterprising fingers, but it was not of cold - it had long since given up the game. The young man dipped his fingers into his boyfriend's blond hair, kissed his lips again before turning his attention to his neck. Severin's hand was exploring his back, gently descending to the edge of his sweater. Richard's back arched to the unexpected touch of fingers on his skin, and Severin took his hand off, surprised.

“No... keep going...” Richard whispered, his voice muffled by the blond man's silky hair.

He squeezed himself a little tighter against Severin, and the blond resumed his caresses. The small Irishman followed suit, letting his fingers run along his boyfriend's cheek as his lips explored his collarbone. The cold of the rain was now completely forgotten, and their bodies filled with a heat that was more like an electric current. Without them noticing, their movements gradually became more urgent, more feverish, until Richard stopped as another heat wave passed through him.

“Oh...”

He moved slightly away from Severin and looked down at the stretched fabric of his trousers. Severin followed his gaze, quickly reaching the same conclusion as him. They looked up at each other's faces, Richard starting to blush as his noticed Severin's smug smile.

“Do you…”

He paused for a moment, not knowing if he could suggest to go there, but the gleam in the blond's eyes convinced him to make the jump.

“Do you want to do it?”

“Fuck yes, I do!”

Their lips united by mutual agreement in a pressing and electric kiss. The blond man's hands grabbed at Richard's clothes, while the Irishman’s hands framed Severin's face, drawing him against him. They separated after several seconds, short of breath.

“We should go to your room...” Richard whispered.

Severin nodded, and his boyfriend stood up, holding back a moan at the rough contact of the fabric on his crotch. The blond rose to his suite and slipped his hand into his own, taking a determined step towards his room. Richard followed suit, his heart pounding. They had already discussed their future "first time", health and safety issues - they had both been tested - but also what they expected and imagined. But actually getting there was something entirely different. Richard may have had some experience, but he felt like a lovestruck teenager again, getting ready to take the big plunge. He wondered how the blond might feel - he had told him that it would be his first time with a man, as a man. If he was feeling nervous, then what was it for Severin? The small Irishman took a deep breath and finally decided to close the door on his brain. Too much thinking wouldn't get him anywhere, he just had to enjoy the moment.

So he followed his boyfriend into the room, stopping at the doorframe to quickly kiss him.

Severin smiled, then entered and sat on the edge of the bed. His boyfriend seemed to think otherwise as he pushed him down on the blankets, and climbed on the bed to sit astride on his hips. Severin did not protest when he began to rock his hips, sending flashes of heat through his lower abdomen. He let out an appreciative growl, and slipped his hands under Richard's shirt to caress his warm belly. The young man leaned forward, offering himself to the caress of greedy hands, and guided Severin's movements to remove his clothes. The blond man paused when he discovered his lover's pale, satiny chest and ran his fingers along his abdomen, trying to feel every square inch of it.

“My God, you look gorgeous...” he whispered between two kisses.

He let his lips travel down Richard's neck as his hands explored his back, dangerously approaching his trousers. The small Irishman sighed and dipped his fingers into Severin's crazy locks of hair, his hips’ movements accelerating in response to the intoxicating stimuli.

“Not as much as you,” he whispered in the blond's ear.

His hands almost reluctantly left the silky hair to unbutton Severin's shirt, but he stopped as he felt Severin's hands squeezing around his wrists.

“Are you alright?" Richard asked, worried.

“Leave it on.”

“Are you sure? “

Severin nodded, and moved Richard's hand away, which was still on the first button.

“What if I take off your trousers?”

The blond man bit back an obscene smile, and released his lover's wrists.

“I'll take that as a yes," Richard said with an amused look.

He straightened up and backed away, leaving Severin's still covered chest to unbutton his fly. The blond propped himslef up on his elbows to watch him do it, and a rather unmanly moan escaped from his lips when Richard slipped his hand into the narrow space between the jeans and underpants, brushing the blond's erection. He raised his hips to help the young man remove his clothes, which he let slide to the ground, freeing Severin's hard cock. He looked up at the blond man, a wide smile stretching his lips.

“Would you like me to blow you?” he asked in a teasing voice as he approached Severin's face.

The young man felt his heartbeat double, and grabbed the sheets between his fists.

“Damn it, Richard... you have no business looking that sexy when you say this...”

“So?”

“Damn it... yes…”

Richard nodded, then closed his hand around Severin's erection, moving up in a slow and lascivious movement. His hand went down and stroked the inside of the offered thighs, before his lips took its place. He felt Severin stiffen, and a hoarse moan escaped from the blond's throat. Richard put a reassuring hand on his lower abdomen to try to relax him, gently continuing to move his lips in a steady, slow back and forth, stressing the movement a little more with each pass. Severin's breathing was stammered, interspersed with sighs and moans that Richard listened to with delight. The blond didn't seem very talkative once things started to get physical, but his body language spoke for him. Each passage of his lover's wet lips and tongue sent a burning wave through his body, making him arch and growl. A hesitant hand came to rest on Richard's head, accompanying his movements, seeking additional contact, assuring him of his presence and affection. The atmosphere was getting hotter and Severin noisier, while his lover's movements grew feverish. His whole being seemed to be concentrated in a single point of his body, and he had the impression that he could no longer contain all the sensations that were going through him. How could the presence of a single person have such an effect on him?

All the sensations recorded by his body reached an extreme, joining and mixing to form a bubbling fire that he could no longer contain. Richard's name appeared between his gasps, as a warning that the young man completely ignored. He did not back away when Severin finally let himself go and a fireworks display seemed to take possession of his mind. The blond forced himself to open his leaden eyelids, and realized that Richard was smiling with an extremely satisfied look at the sight of his boyfriend's red cheeks, bright eyes and half-opened mouth. He continued his caresses for a few moments longer, slowing down in a calmer rhythm, until he felt Severin relax completely. Only then did he move away, kissed his inner thigh lightly and straightened up, contemplating the Edenic vision that lay before his eyes. Severin's shining gaze took hold of his, and he laid down beside him without taking his eyes off him.

“Rich...”

Severin's voice was only a whisper, and carried all the admiration, love and euphoria that bubbled in his chest. He sat up on one elbow and leaned over to Richard, leading him into a languid and lazy kiss, taking all his time to caress his lover's tongue and lips. Centuries seemed to pass before they separated with regret. Severin let his fingers run along the brunette’s chest, stopping on his nipples, along his ribs, drawing small circles on his belly, before venturing lower, between his hips, between his thighs... Richard sighed at the contact of a hand closing around his sex, relaxing the tension that tightened his body with long caresses. He raised his arm to touch Severin's cheek, but he then moved away and went to sit between the youngest's legs.

“I can't promise to do as well as you did...” Severin whispered, before Richard's hand rested on his mouth to silence him.

He looked up at Richard's eyes and kissed his palm, before moving his hand away to focus his attention and caresses on the erection before him. The small brunette did not hold back the feverish movements of his hips as his lover's tongue and lips sent sparks of pleasure exploding through his lower abdomen. Severin's movements were more blurry, more erratic, but just as enjoyable, and Richard soon reached an irresistible climax. Severin must have perceived the change, because he backed away and released Richard just before he came. He tightened his fingers around the now wet limb, accompanying him with a last caress as he relaxed, listening to Richard's broken voice whispering his name. His boyfriend's hand came to rest on his cheek, drawing the curves of his face with a shy touch, while his worshipping eyes were looking for the blond’s. Severin finally straightened up to join his lover, lying on his back next to him. Richard curled up against his chest and surrounded it with his arms, letting the blond pass his around his shoulders. He huddled his face against the fabric of his shirt, feeling the soft, firm curve of the muscles underneath. His lips were stretched into an ecstatic smile, a mirror of Severin's, which he could not have erased even if he had wished to.

“I love you,” he murmured, confirming with words what their bodies were repeating tirelessly.

He didn’t know if Severin had heard him, but was sure he understood it. His boyfriend's powerful arms formed a shield around him, protecting him from the world, from any responsibility and consequence, offering him a sense of security that gently but surely plunged him into sleep.

oOoOoOo

The music of David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust filled Severin's apartment as he sang along to the radio. He was standing in his kitchen, preparing dinner for him and Richard - they had just come back from an afternoon at the movies and neither of them wanted to split up anytime soon. His boyfriend was behind him helping him out by cutting some vegetables, and smiling as he heard the blond man's soft voice imitate the radio. Severin went to him to get the ingredients, and took the opportunity to kiss his boyfriend on the temple. Richard turned around to call out to him.

“Sev?”

“Mmhmm?”

Richard seemed to hesitate for a moment, turning away when Severin took a look at him, then finally asked:

“Sorry if it's personal, but... What's wrong with your chest?”

Despite the peaceful atmosphere of the evening and the joyful music that filled the room, Severin felt a stone fall to the bottom of his stomach. He turned away from Richard and went back to his cooking, looking for words to explain. The question seemed to come out of nowhere, but he suspected that Richard would eventually ask it. He always avoided undressing in front of his boyfriend, and the young man had not missed this unusual modesty in Severin. He had not dared to explain to him the reason for his reluctance, fearing that the small Irishman would find him childish.

Faced with his boyfriend's silence, Richard tried to justify himself.

“It's just... You never let me take off your shirt. I have no problem with that at all,” he added hastily, “but I was just wondering...”

He stopped, not knowing what to add, and looked up at Severin waiting for an answer. The young man turned his back on him.

“I... I don't want you to see my chest. The surgery left scars, and... well, it's not very pretty.”

Richard did not answer, encouraging him to continue. The blond hesitated for a few seconds, letting the completely out of place cheery music fill the overwhelming silence.

“It doesn't bother me, I'm used to it,” he eventually added, “but... You have this perfect image of me, you think I'm handsome, and strong and... I'm worried that you...”

“That I’ll love you less?”

Severin had a little joyless laugh.

“When you put it that way, it does sound silly.”

“Hey.”

Severin turned around to take a look at his boyfriend. Richard had left his vegetables alone and was looking at Severin with a reassuring smile on his face.

“Don't worry, I understand. It's not stupid, but it's... well, it's not true. I'm not going to love you any less simply because you had to go through hardships to become who you are, and those hardships have left a mark. It won't change the fact that you're the most handsome man I've ever laid my eyes on.”

He chuckled before continuing.

“And even if you were covered with scars, wrinkles or whatever, it wouldn't stop me from falling in love with you.”

The comment drew an amused smile to Severin. Richard, a fine diplomat, pretended not to notice that his boyfriend was blushing.

“Thank you,” Severin replied. “It doesn’t bother you?”

Richard shook his head.

“It's your body, it's not my place to tell you what to do with it. If you're more comfortable with your clothes, that's fine with me. And if you ever decide to undress and I realize that you got your nipple ripped off by a tiger, well...”

He was about to say that it would suit him just as well, but was cut off by Severin who had just burst out laughing.

“What's so funny?” Richard asked, confused.

“It's just... Oh, you wouldn't understand.”

Richard shook his head, looking falsely disappointed, but a slight smile betrayed his amusement.

“Speaking of scars, uh...” he muttered.

Severin leaned against the table, facing him.

“I’m all ears.”

“I never dared to ask, it may be an experience you don't want to think of again, in which case never mind, but...”

He made a gesture to point to his eyebrow, before finally asking:

“That scar, where did it come from?”

Severin mimicked Richard's movement, passing a finger over the incision in his right eyebrow, then he turned around to get back to work. Richard noticed the red flushing over the young man's cheeks before he turned his back on him.

“It's my fault... I pulled too hard.”

The small Irishman frowned, completely confused.

“What did you pull too hard?”

“The fridge door. I pulled the fridge door too hard. Richie, a word of advice, never get up at two in the morning to grab a snack. It always ends badly.”

He refused to turn around when he heard Richard suddenly burst out laughing, but could not help but chuckle, his boyfriend's laughter being highly contagious.

“Sorry if you thought it was a heroic fight against a tiger...”

It took almost a minute for Richard to calm down, and they both got back to work, with the conversation drifting towards more mundane topics. When they finally sat down to eat, the subject of Severin's scars was almost forgotten, present only in a corner of their minds.

oOoOoOo

The sound of the water flowing was relaxing, a constant and regular sound that brought Richard a welcome calm. From time to time, a splash sound on the wall caught his attention when he made a movement a little too sharp and got in the way of the jet. He knew that he was not supposed to let the water run all the time in the shower, and he usually avoided doing so, but the constant flow relaxed him and it was a moment he liked to let last.

The sound of the door opening attracted his attention, louder than the water that was flowing and especially unexpected. It was followed by a familiar voice calling out his name.

“Richie? Can I join you?”

Richard turned around, a slight smile appearing on his lips when he saw Severin's face as he had passed his head through the door frame. He had never showered with her boyfriend before, but there was a beginning to everything...

“Come on in!” he shouted from the cabin, lowering the water flow a little so that Severin could hear him.

The blond pushed the door open and entered the bathroom, taking care not to slip on the damp floor. He was wearing only shorts, and his long blond hair was loose and resting on his shoulders. Richard could not help but smile at the magnificent view. Then he noticed his chest: two dark lines ran under his pectoral muscles, separated by the solar plexus. The small Irishman immediately remembered the discussion they had had a few days earlier, and moved to turn his back on the blond.

“Do you want to turn off the light?”

“Mmh? Why?”

“Your scars.”

Severin smiled and shook his head.

“No, it's okay,” he replied before finishing undressing.

He slipped into the small cabin next to Richard, shivering under the almost burning water. The small brunette scooted over to make room for him and handed him the shower head, taking the opportunity to caress Severin's muscular arm. His boyfriend gave him a shy smile and then looked away before starting to pass water on his face. Richard silently watched him - there was nothing to say. After a few moments it occurred to him that he was there to wash himself and not admire his boyfriend, and he resumed his ablutions, without being able to stop smiling. The space was too small for them to move without constantly touching each other, which suited Richard very well, and Severin didn't seem to complain either. They exchanged a few "sorry" and slight bursts of laughter, before Richard finally gathered the courage to slip a hand on Severin's back, making him shiver. The blond didn't move, letting the water run on his shoulders while Richard rubbed his back, using of course the excuse that "Severin couldn't wash his own back". He allowed himself to lower a hand to his butt, making Severin laugh. He then finally turned around to look at him.

“Everything’s alright?” the small Irishman enquired, but Severin's smile was already answering his question.

The blond nodded and put his hands on his boyfriend's hips, drawing him closer. Richard took the opportunity to stand up on tiptoes to reach his lips, kissing Severin lightly, but the blond didn’t let him go and opened his lips to deepen the kiss. Richard smiled against his mouth and answered his silent request, and they split up after several seconds, when their greedy mouths and the water around them made them run out of air.

“You didn't come to shower at all, did you?” Richard teased him while stroking his boyfriend's chest.

“It's really that obvious?” Severin asked with a smile, although he knew the answer perfectly well.

Richard didn't answer, and simply continued to explore the blond’s abdomen with his curious hands, before whispering:

“You’re gorgeous.”

“If only...”

The brunette frowned and put a severe finger against his boyfriend's lips.

“I swear to you, if you keep saying that kind of nonsense, I'm going to fight you.”

“Bad idea, kitten...” Severin replied, firmly grasping his boyfriend's wrists and spreading his arms apart.

Richard laughed, both because of the nickname and at the idea of what would happen if he tried to fight a man who was one head taller and ten kilos heavier than he was. Severin laughed, then released the young man, before getting out of the shower and handing him a towel.

“Come on, you can't stay in there all day.”

Richard shook his head and walked out after Severin. He could only take a few steps before a towel was dropped on his head, blinding him temporarily.

“Damn it, Sev...” he cursed while ripping off the towel. “I'm really going to fight you!”

Severin tried to keep a straight face, but could not hold his hilarity for long, and finally burst out laughing.

“You look like a wet kitten, it's adorable!”

Richard tried to maintain an offended expression all the time they dried up and put on their clothes, while Severin was fighting to contain his laughter. They eventually walked out of the bathroom, their hair still wet and tousled, an exhilarating feeling of euphoria enveloping them.


	7. A family matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter tells the same events as chapter 10 of "Doubt truth to be a liar", but from a different point of view. There are a few timeline incoherences because it was easier to write this way, I apologize in advance.  
> Enjoy!

_Dear Sebastian,_

_How is life in London? Here in Cornwall, everything is going well. I moved to Fal Vale for work; I had thought it was in the middle of nowhere, but in the end it's a nice place, less stressful than the capital. I'm the chief technician now, so I don't go on the rails as often as I used to, and I have a team to manage. It's a lot of work, and a lot of responsibility, but it's also much more interesting._

Severin stopped writing for a moment, thinking about what he could tell his brother. They hadn't spoken for a long time. The last time was before Severin had moved to Cornwall, and a lot had happened since. An email from Richard caught his eye for a moment. He smiled, and started typing again.

_I met a boy here (well, I say a boy... we're almost the same age). His name is Richard, he's a train driver. He was the one who welcomed me and showed me around when I arrived. He is part of a theatre group in his spare time, and he also plays in London from time to time._

_He is adorable, kind, considerate... I love him. And guess what? He asked me out! We've been together for a month now, and it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I hope you can come over soon, I'd love for you to meet him. In the meantime, I'm sending you some pictures of us._

_So much has happened these last few months, it would be difficult to tell you everything in one email. We should phone each other one of these days, just to have a chat. In the meantime, tell me how your life’s going!_

Severin attached a few pictures of him and Richard, then sent the message and left his desk. He had a few minutes left before he had to go to work, he took the opportunity to put his apartment in order a little bit, then he headed for the bus stop.

He had been sitting for several minutes on the bus to the train station when his phone vibrated. He took a look at the screen and frowned: Sebastian had already answered his email. It was unusual, his older brother usually took time to react to messages. Intrigued, he read the few quick lines that his elder had written, paired with an image.

_Severin,_

_I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but you have to get away from Richard Brook. He is not who he claims to be. He's a liar, a very good actor, and he's dangerous. I can't tell you much about him, but his real name is James Moriarty, and he's a criminal. I thought I knew him, but apparently, I was wrong. And so are you. Please, be careful, and stay away from him._

Severin remained frozen for a long time, his breath suspended and his eyes riveted to the screen. He didn't know what to think of Sebastian's message. His heart refused to believe that Richard, the sweet and harmless young man with whom he had been sharing his life for a month now, could be a criminal, or even dangerous in any way. Yet he had absolute trust in his brother: he would never lie to him, except by omission, something that was necessary in his line of work, and Severin did not hold it against him. He certainly did not know the ins and outs of his job, but he knew that it was in no way legal, and it brought him into contact with people who were not very reputable... and Richard was apparently one of them.

Severin shook his head to put his thoughts back in place. His brother wouldn't lie to him, but he could be wrong. He should get things straight with Richard himself. His chest was tight as a vice as he wrote a few words to his boyfriend.

_“Meet me at the back door of the station before you get to work. We need to talk.”_

Severin, sitting silently in his seat, could not help but think back on Richard's introversion, his reluctance to talk about his personal life, his total silence about his family and his past. He counted all the times he had left Fal Vale, supposedly to follow his theatre company. He remembered his colleagues' gossip, saying that no one really knew Richard.

By the time the journey ended, a dull and bubbling anger gradually replaced Severin's anguish and confusion, giving him strength again. It was with a determined pace that he went to the meeting point. Richard was already there, leaning against a wall, headphones in his ears. He straightened up when he saw the blond man, and gave a cheery wave of his hand, but the good mood quickly left his face when he saw Severin's expression. The tall man did not give him time to ask questions, and immediately asked

“Richard, how long have you known my brother?”

The young man's confused look did not soften Severin, nor does his hesitant response.

“Your brother? We’ve never talked about our families, you barely ever mentioned him. I don't know him.”

“Of course you do.”

Severin's tone remained calm and controlled, but his furrowed brow and whitened knuckles left no illusion about the dull anger that was boiling in him. He had already told his boyfriend about Sebastian, even if it was only in passing. Richard better not take him for a fool.

“I don't understand what you mean,” said the young man cautiously.

“My brother Sebastian,” the blond man scolded. “How long has this been going on? Were you already dating him before we got together?”

The look of total confusion on Richard's face could almost have convinced him that he was telling the truth, but Severin was no fool. Sebastian had made it clear that the criminal was very good at playing a role.

He stepped forward, towering over Richard in a threatening posture, and the young man shrivelled, seemingly wanting to merge with the brick wall.

“It must be a misunderstanding, Severin!” the small Irishman exclaimed in a voice that had trouble not shaking. “I swear to you, I don't know your brother!”

Severin's gaze hardened, and he couldn't help but think back to the image Sebastian had sent him: a picture of Richard sleeping peacefully on the sofa in a London apartment.

“Stop it,” he groaned in a voice that suffered no contradiction. “I won't swallow another one of your lies... James.”

He had the ultimate confirmation of his fears when Richard’s eyes widened and he almost chocked.

“Ja- James?” he stammered in a trembling voice.

Fear and despair shone in his eyes, feelings he had largely deserved, according to Severin. He took his face between his hands and lowered his head so as not to see the tall blond looking down at him, an air of pure disgust on his face. Severin's last hopes had just been shattered, but behind this fragile wall he discovered only a mountain of granite, a cold and unfailing resignation.

“Sebastian warned me”, he continued. “You should have known we'd find out sooner or later.”

“Severin...”

Richard looked up at him, a begging look on his face.

“I don't know Sebastian, I swear to you.”

Severin clenched his fists. He couldn't honestly believe he could still convince him?

“And I'm not Jim!”

“If you're not Jim, then who is he?”

There was a crack, Severin realized, there was always a crack. A last glimmer of confidence and hope, a certainty that Richard could not be the one Sebastian had described to him.

The young man's voice was just a whisper.

“I can't tell you about him...”

Severin closed his eyes. Why did he think he could still trust him?

“Then you better forget about me,” he announced, regretfully taking a step back. “It's me, or my brother; but there's no way I'm staying in a relationship with a liar.”

He looked away, and was about to leave, when Richard grabbed his arm, making him turn around. Severin was not sure if the gleam in his eyes was despair or determination.

“I am not a liar.”

The seconds faded into a silence that seemed to last for centuries, Severin's painful gaze locked into Richard's terrified but resigned one.

“I'll tell you everything,” he finally said. “I'll tell you about Jim... but not now. It's too long to explain, and we have work to do.”

Severin hesitated for a moment, then released his arm with a sharp movement and replied:

“All right. We'll meet at lunch break. I sincerely hope you have a good explanation to give me by then.”

Then he turned his heels and walked away. It was only when he was out of Richard's sight that he added, in a whisper:

“...because I don't want to have to give up on you.”

oOoOoOo

When break time finally came, Severin was waiting for Richard at the entrance to the cafeteria. The young man was tense like a bowstring, but his resolution was taken. He couldn't get away, and no matter what his twin could tell him, it was time he was completely honest with his boyfriend. The blond watched him approach with an indecipherable look.

“We’d better go elsewhere,” Richard announced when he reached him. “This is not a discussion we can have in public.”

Severin nodded, and followed him out of the station. In a heavy silence, they bought sandwiches in a nearby bakery, and sat on a bench in the empty park. Richard avoided as much as possible his boyfriend's gaze: he knew he would read there judgment, doubt, and disgust at a betrayal that had not happened.

“I’m listening," said the blond when they were finally sitting down.

Richard took a deep breath and addressed a silent prayer to all the saints of his childhood. _I'm finally going to stop lying. Please let this be the right decision._

“Do you remember that night when we were in your apartment, watching a movie, and we were interrupted by a phone call?”

Severin nodded silently.

“It was my brother, Jim. My twin brother. The reason I never told you about him is because he ordered me not to. It's necessary, for his safety as well as mine. Your brother told you who he was, didn't he?”

“A criminal.”

“Jim is not a mercenary, or a burglar, or anything like that. He is much more powerful and dangerous than that. He is known as Moriarty, and...”

Richard stopped, then raised his head towards Severin.

“Telling you all this puts you in danger, Severin. I don't want you to get involved in these affairs, it always ends badly. Even if I can convince Jim to leave you alone...”

“Forget my safety. I'm old enough to manage on my own. I just want to know why I should trust you.”

“Because I'm nothing like him, Severin! Jim is... He's crazy. Don't ever tell him I said that, but it's the truth. He makes a living organizing crimes for people who pay him. He is at the head of a network that challenges the English government itself. He's a spider, at the centre of a monstrous web that I've been trying to escape for years. I'm not like him, I just want to live a normal and peaceful life away from his schemes, but that's not possible. I am a weakness, a flaw in his armour. He must constantly watch me to make sure that I am not leading people to him, that I am not taken as bait to reach him... or that people don’t attack me believing that I am him. And I can't tell anyone about it.”

“Why? What would happen if you did?”

“I long thought he would get rid of me if I became too much of a risk, but the truth is he'll just eliminate the people I talked to. That's why I couldn't tell you, you see? Now I have to explain the situation to you without putting you in danger, and it's almost impossible. I can't ask him to confirm everything - the later he finds out that you know, the better. I don't want to draw his attention to you. If it hasn’t already been done...”

Severin remained thoughtful for a while.

“I really want to believe you,” he finally said. “Really, I want to trust you, Richard. But I don't know if I can.”

The stone-cold face he was trying to preserve did not hide the pain and uncertainty that had invaded his heart. He turned to Richard, looking lost.

“How can I trust you?”

Despite the terrible desire to look away and hide, Richard forced himself to look Severin in the face. His voice was only a whisper when he replied:

“I don't know, Severin, I really don't know...”

The blond hesitated for a moment, then laid his hand on Richard's.

“I don't want to lose you,” said the small Irishman in a trembling voice. “Being with me puts you in danger, but I'm a selfish bastard, I don't want to lose you, I don't want you to go away...”

The silence lasted an eternity, as they both wondered what words could repair Severin's shattered trust. Finally, Richard took a deep breath and straightened up.

“To hell with him. This is my life. If he dares to approach you, or attack you, I swear to God, criminal empire or not, he will pay for it.”

Under Severin's surprised gaze, Richard got up from the bench and pulled out his phone before quickly dialing a number and putting it on speaker. The device rang for a few seconds before a voice rose.

“ _Hello?_ ”

Severin shot an interrogating look at Richard. Despite the static of the telephone line, he had perfectly recognized his brother Sebastian's voice.

“Oh no...” Richard mumbled under his breath.

His pulse accelerated. Why did Sebastian have Jim's phone? Severin would think it was yet another sham, if he didn't quickly contact his brother.

“Sebastian Moran?”

“ _Jim? ...oh, you must be Richard_ ,” he said in a cheerful voice. “ _Jim eventually told me about you_.”

Richard closed his eyes for a moment. If he could talk to Sebastian, he might as well take the opportunity to warn him.

“Whatever he’s told you about me, don't believe him. He lies as he breathes, and you’re no exception. Sebastian, I... you think you're special, but he's just manipulating you.”

Still sitting on the bench, Severin frowned and asked Richard by a gesture what was going on.

“He must have taken Jim's phone,” whispered the small Irishman. “Sebastian, I know this is hard to hear,” he added to the Moran elder's attention, “but...”

“ _Richard, I know Jim better than you can imagine_ ,” Sebastian interrupted. “ _And he knows better than to manipulate me. I trust him, to a certain extent_.”

“You shouldn't.”

“ _Should I trust you, Jim?_ ”

Richard almost dropped the phone, but got himself back together.

“Is he with you?” he asked, exchanging a worried look with Severin.

The voice that answered him was no longer Sebastian's, but a copy of Richard's, altered by distance and statics.

“ _Are you worried for my bodyguard, Richie? How sweet of you. Tell Severin that Sebastian will be fine_.”

He paused, before adding:

“ _Because that's what you're afraid of, isn't it? That your boyfriend will hold you responsible if anything happened to his brother._ ”

Richard clenched his fist. Once again, Jim was completely mistaken about human nature.

“No _,_ ” he answered firmly, keeping his eyes fixed on Severin's. “It's just that I have empathy, unlike you. Sebastian is part of my family now, and I would hold _you_ responsible if anything happened to him _._ ”

Silence settled in, before Jim's voice said:

“ _I love him. Does that seem like enough of a guarantee to you?”_

Richard lowered his eyes. He was not certain that his brother was capable of loving someone, but he could not point it out in front of Severin, while he was trying to reassure him.

“It will have to do.”

He suddenly lifted his head up when he saw the blond man get up. Severin reached out his open hand before asking:

“Give it to me.”

Richard hesitated for a moment, before handing the phone over to his boyfriend. Anyway, Jim probably already knew that he had explained everything to the youngest of the Morans. Severin wasn't an idiot, he wouldn't put himself in danger by standing up to Moriarty.

“Mr. Moriarty?”

“ _I plead guilty_.”

“Richard explained the situation to me. Let me be very clear. I don't care that you're a criminal. I don't care that you’re dating my brother.”

Oh. Apparently, Severin did intend to stand up to Moriarty. The small Irishman waved his hands frantically in front of him, trying to make Severin understand that talking to Jim like that was a very bad idea, but the young man ignored it completely.

“But I’m warning you, if you touch a single hair on Richard’s head, if you hurt him, in any way whatsoever...”

He stopped and took a look at his boyfriend.

“Well, I think you already know what a Moran looks like when he's angry.”

They could almost hear the criminal's smile in his voice when he replied:

“ _Yes, I know that, but thank you for the reminder. Besides, perhaps I should remind you that Richie is my brother. It wouldn't be in my interest to hurt him_.”

“The way he talks about you, I don't think we have the same definition of ‘hurting’.”

“ _I don't...”_

He stopped for a second, probably cut off by Sebastian, and continued:

“Alright. I won't lay a hand on Richard, you have my word... and Sebastian's surveillance. I already have enough of one angry tiger at home.”

Severin moved the device away from his ear and hung up, before handing it back to Richard.

“You're completely insane!” the small Irishman burst once he was sure Jim couldn't hear him anymore. “Talking to him like that is suicide! Don't you understand that he...”

“He won’t kill me,” Severin interrupted him. “You heard him. Sebastian would have his balls, and so would you. Two people he loves want my protection. As long as I don't do something stupid like get in his way, you don't have to worry about me.”

Richard shook his head sadly.

“I don't know if he loves Sebastian. And he certainly doesn't love me.”

“Let me doubt that.”

The small Irishman hesitated for a moment, looking down at the ground.

“I'm really sorry that all this happened. I wish you’d never had to deal with him, that you stayed as far away from his activities and schemes as possible...”

“It would mean staying away from you. It's not worth it.”

Richard froze, and took a shy glance at Severin. The young man gt closer and gently grabbed his hand in his own.

“Despite all the lies, all the secrets...?”

“I told you. I trust you. And I haven't been entirely honest with you either. I knew that Sebastian's job involved illegal things, even though he never explained to me what. Everyone has their secrets, and you had good reasons to keep yours. “

Richard squeezed his boyfriend's hand to the point where his knuckles went white. It was the only thing that seemed real to him right now.

“You know... it's a relief to have someone who knows, who shares this with me.”

“You can tell me if you need to, and... if there are things you'd rather keep to yourself, I'd understand that. Some things are made to stay personal. As long as it doesn't put us in danger... I wouldn't blame you.”

Richard circled his arms around the tall blond’s hips and let himself go into the reassuring embrace of his boyfriend. Severin was an anchor, a landmark in his turbulent life. He wouldn’t let anyone take that away from him.


	8. Epilogue

Four years had passed since Severin arrived in Fal Vale. He and Richard had trouble taking it in: they felt like they had been living together for an eternity. Severin had moved in with his boyfriend after a year together, they had both met each other's family (which was just one member in both cases), and they were now known to all their colleagues. It was a happy and reassuring life, something they had built themselves, to give meaning to their daily routine. If Richard remembered his years of loneliness and anonymity, they were nothing more than a distant memory that was paling in comparison to his new daily life. Severin, for his part, had never felt as supported, respected and loved as with Richard. Of all the people with whom he had been in a relationship, the small Irishman was the only one who accepted him as he was, and did not ask him to change his identity. Despite the hardships they had endured, their dysfunctional families and their often complicated daily lives, they were both each other's anchors, a refuge of calm and love that they could not find anywhere else.

A new spring was spreading its fresh breeze and timid rays of sunshine over Cornwall. Richard and Severin had taken advantage of the return of the sunny days to leave their homes and rediscover Fal Vale in a new and sunnier light. Despite being one of the mildest regions in Great Britain, winters remained cold. Their long walk around the city finally led them to the park, where the trees were beginning to cover themselves with soft green leaves and colourful flowers. The park was deserted, except for one or two people who were just passing by, and the two men decided to sit on a bench, in front of the huge cherry tree that was beginning to bloom. Hand in hand, they watched silently as the petals flew, until Severin gently placed his cheek on Richard's shoulder, pulling an amused smile from him. The blond shivered as he felt his companion's fingers stroking his cheek and playing with a few strands of hair falling in his face. He looked up at Richard and whispered, in a voice that already seemed half asleep:

“Do you remember? This is where it all started.”

Richard laughed, making dimples appear on his cheeks. Severin felt his heart jolt. How did he get the luck of dating such an adorable man?

“It started in many places," replied the little Irishman. When we met at work, the first time we went to the bar together... when you kissed me behind the station.”

Severin stole a quick kiss from his companion, before insisting:

“It was the first time you told me you loved me. I remember it as if it was yesterday, Richie. I thought I had dreamt t when I heard you... That I was imagining something I wanted to hear, when it was just the wind. That’s why I was so surprised when you ran away... I was afraid I said something wrong, I was afraid I scared you.”

“It went well, after all. The best mistake I've ever made.”

The blond man nodded.

“I don't know what people see when they come here, but for me, it will always be the beginning of the most beautiful part of my life.”

Severin didn't know if it was his mind playing tricks on him, or if Richard's heart was beating faster. He looked up at him, and realized that he was staring at the ground and biting his lip. Richard turned to his boyfriend when he noticed he was watching his, and gave him a shy smile.

“Severin... what if this was a new beginning?”

The blond man frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I...”

Richard stopped. There was no doubt for Severin now, his companion was really anxious. As for why....

The small Irishman took a deep breath and said:

“Severin, I've been wanting to ask you this for a while, and... since we’ve talked about it a little bit, I thought...”

His voice began to shake, and he looked away for a moment, under Severin's confused gaze. As the blond began to understand, Richard took a small box out of his pocket, handed it to the blond and opened it.

“Severin Moran, will you marry me?”

Time seemed to freeze, as the park swirled around them. Severin heard every beat of his heart as if it were a drum resonating in his chest. Nothing existed but the apprehensive face of the man he loved, and the shiny ring he held before him like a useless shield against the titanic force of their feelings. He no longer controlled his body, while his face stretched into a radiant smile and his hands rested on Richard's, preventing them from shaking.

He felt that it was someone else's voice that rose when he exclaimed:

“Yes!”

A simple word that he had held in his heart for too long, perhaps all his life, a single word that meant everything, and that promised him a bright future alongside the man to whom he had given his heart.

Richard's smile and the intense relief in his eyes confirmed his promise, and their lips intertwined to seal it in the stone. The world did not exist before that moment, but now the whole future belonged to them.

oOoOoOo

Sebastian Moran had just returned home when his phone rang. He was about to set the device down on a table and ignore the call to join his boyfriend on the couch, before he realized it was his brother. He frowned in surprise: it was very rare that Severin called him without them having planned it by email. So, he picked up the phone and carried it in his ear before asking:

“Hello?”

“ _SEBASTIAN THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY OF MY LIFE!”_

The sniper almost jumped, and quickly took the phone away from his ear, before putting it on speaker.

“What's going on?”

“ _I'm getting married, Sebastian! I'm marrying Richard! He proposed to me and I said yes! SEBASTIAN I'M GETTING MARRIED!”_

A huge smile appeared on Sebastian's lips. Severin's excitement was contagious. A wave of pride rushed through him as he realized that his little brother had really grown up. Sebastian had already met Richard, and he couldn't have hoped for a better companion for Severin.

“Congratulations! Severin, that's amazing, I'm so happy for you. Is Richard here?”

“ _No, he's out. He'll be back soon. Oh my God, I feel like I'm going to explode into confetti_...”

“Did I hear Richard's name?”

Sebastian turned around. Jim had just passed his head through the living room door, an eyebrow raised in a mimic question. He frowned, surprised, when he noticed Sebastian's radiant smile.

“What's going on here?”

“It's Severin,” Sebastian explained. “He and Richard are getting married!”

Jim's smile was more reserved, but he could hardly hide his joy.

‘Congrats," he replied to Severin. “It was about time. Richard must have been surprised...”

“ _I was surprised!”_ Severin replied. “ _He's the one who proposed!_ ”

Jim raised his eyebrows and took the phone from Sebastian's hand.

“He proposed to you? Are we talking about Richard Brook? Small brunette Irishman, shy and reserved, passionate about obscure theatre?”

“ _The same one! We had discussed this before, but... he was the one who took the first step_.”

Jim's smile was no longer held back, and rivalled that of his boyfriend.

“Tell him I'm proud of him.”

“ _I will._ ”

Jim handed the phone back to Sebastian, who continued to chat with his younger brother in a cheerful tone, and leaned against the wall of the living room to admire him in silence. Sebastian's joy shone, a pale copy of what Severin must have been feeling at that moment. Jim wished that one day he could be the source of such a joy for the man he loved, even though he knew that there was nothing usual or balanced about their relationship. He hoped that Richard was aware of how lucky he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fanfic; on my part, I had a lot of fun writing it. If you want to know more about Jim and Sebastian in this universe, you can read Doubt truth to be a liar, in which Richard and Severin also make a few appearances.


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